R,

I have been praying about this for a while, because I have felt convicted to send you something. If I understand what you've said correctly, you think that I am mad at you. I admit that I was angry/frustrated at first, but after I thought about it I realized that I'm not mad or angry or frustrated at you. The fact is that you outright admitted that you don't respect me or my opinions. People who say they are friends may not always get along, that much is true.

But in my experience, friends respect each other. They argue, and disagree, sure, but friends can get over that difference and still respect each other. This includes not being continually hostile towards each other. I know I said it at least once that I wasn't sure why we were even talking at all, because it seemed that every conversation we were having turned into an argument. You said, "Because we're friends?" To my previous point, sure, friends argue, but if you and a buddy you go out for drinks with on a regular basis continually argue about absolutely everything, I would put $20 down that you wouldn't want to continue to get drinks with that buddy.

I'm unsure why an internet friendship should be any different. Yes, I know we know each other in real life, but we both know the chances of actually seeing each other ever again in person are pretty much zero. Therefore, I consider you an internet friend. And with any internet friend, if all they do is argue with me, I'm not going to continue to talk to them or respond to their forum posts. I don't need that added stress in my life, I've managed to create enough on my own as it is.

I don't know what changed in our relationship that caused this rift. I know you mentioned multiple times that I am a different person than I was in high school. Yes, I am. Like I've told you previously, I was a non-believer/seeker in high school. I recently found a Christmas wish list from my senior year, and the thing on the top of my list was a Bible. I don't think I ever told you that. I didn't have the guts to tell anyone because I know how my family would have reacted: poorly.

I didn't grow up in church. My parents attended church when they were growing up, and we attended a few times when we moved to the area when I was still in middle school, but eventually we stopped going. I was curious, but didn't know who to talk to about it, or how to bring it up to my family. I remember asking my family to go to church on Christmas Eve one year, and when my sister said she didn't want to, my mom said she would stay home with her, and then I gave up. What was the point of going if it wasn't going to be the whole family? (Can you see how ignorant and lacking in confidence I was then?) I couldn't talk to you about it, I don't know why. I guess I felt like you would make fun or me or something, and you never asked me to go to church with you. I think the last time I stepped foot in a church before my junior year of college was for your grandfather's funeral.

I started going because my mom had a stroke. The only reason I was confident enough to go was because my boyfriend at the time took me. I remember going to the first service with him, I had no idea what I was getting into and after it was over, he asked me, "What did you think?" "I have no idea." I felt out of place there. I felt like I wasn't welcome. We went to a few more churches, but then the spring semester ended and the church-going stopped again. It wasn't until my final year at school that I even considered going to church again. And it was because I felt obligated to go see this guy play in the worship band. It was a Thursday night service, so it was more of a Bible study than a sermon.

That was the first time I really "heard" what was going on, rather than just waiting for it to be over. It was the first time that I felt like I actually fit in there, even though I didn't know anyone and sat alone.

And then I kept going back. One morning I realized that I already knew a lot of the people that attended that church. I found a mentor, and started asking questions. December 16, 2010, I got my first Bible because my mentor, and my now fiancé, planned it out and made it happen. Over time I realized that this was something that I needed in my life, and I was glad that I had someone to openly talk about it. I got connected with the church at school and went to practically everything they had. In April 2011 I was baptized at that church. When I moved to Atlanta three months later, I had the confidence to walk, alone, into a mega-church that I had only heard of, and even talk to the lady sitting next to me before the service started. I was overwhelmed, yes, but beyond thrilled that I had made the decision to do it.

The point of telling you all of this is that I have significantly changed since we dated when I was in high school. I made some seriously poor decisions in college. But when I found the relationship I had been missing, my relationship with God, I was, for lack of a better word, found. I had just been wandering around, lost. For you to say I'm not the same person is extremely accurate. There are times when I think about how I would have reacted to a situation in say, 2009, and then how I would react to the same situation now. It's drastically different.

So I'm handling this differently than I would have handled this several years ago. I stopped talking to you when you said you don't respect me. You have messaged me a number of times since then, and it took you over a week to remember what you had said to me. I don't know why you think I stopped talking to you, but I hope this letter has helped cleared it up. I think that down the road we might be able to talk again, but I don't know if I can right now. I have too many other things going on that are stressing me out, I don't really need to add another one. The internet friendship we had stressed me out. Arguing with someone who refuses to see an alternative point of view stresses me out. Add on that the person on the other side flat out ignores any and all suggestions that I make that I think could help because, well, I have no idea why.

Maybe sometime down the line we can talk again. I don't know when that will be. I can't say "on this date" or something like that. I do know, though, that right now, and for the next at least two-three months, stress will be significantly higher than normal with everything that I have going on right now. And just to clarify: honestly, the wedding is the least of my worries, since I assume that your first guess is that I'm stressing about that.

Anyway. Best of luck with your wedding and moving her in and all that jazz, I'm sure it will be a good time.