Nothing good ever happens on a Sunday.

Last Sunday he was hungover and I was needy and upset - I wanted to talk on phone, he said he was groggy so best leave it for some other time.

I cried in silence.

He made up for it on Monday.

He surprised me with a call today, I did not expect it at all. I melted. We talked for an hour. I told him how I was thinking about getting braces again. He loved it. Said he always wanted to kiss a girl with braces. My heart fluttered. Then he continued talking how he always wanted to kiss a girl with a tongue piercing too (which I don't have), and how he used to have this list of certain kinds of girls he planned on kissing, "you know, if I was any better with girls".
I didn't even think much of it, until we hung up.

I cried in silence.

He must've realized what he'd said, as he texted me a few hours later, making a special effort. I forgot all about earlier.
He was cuddly. I felt lucky and tried to spice things up; he promptly ignored me. Like he normally does when it comes to sex.

This time I told him I feel rejected when he does that. And I miss how we used to be. I miss him needing it like I need it. But I can't make him want it.

He apologized, said he never wants to reject me. But I just sprung it on him and he's not always in the position to be fully receptive.
I said the problem isn't how receptive he is, it's the fact he's never active anymore. He doesn't initiate.
He doesn't understand what I mean; we've been flirting all weekend and he initiated a lot of that. And just last Monday he initiated sex. (After six months.)

Monday wouldn't have happened if Sunday didn't happen. Anything sexual between us when we're apart happens as a reaction to my upset. If I didn't get upset about sex, sex would never happen.

Flirting isn't sex. Cuddling isn't sex. It's like serving appetizers and desserts, but claiming it's a full meal. He masturbates five times a week - I know he has the drive. Yet he never includes me anymore. When I ask why, he says it doesn't feel right after we've gone so far in person. That it feels sterile, because he can't touch me or smell me.

The more I bring it up, the more powerless I feel. The more discredited I am. The more I bring it up, the more of a nympho I appear to be. I'm only obsessed with sex because it doesn't work. I feel like a pest for wanting it. I apologise when he's not in the mood, and I thank him when he is. I disgust me.

He didn't use to be like that. But now he has been for over 6 months. And now I don't even know anymore how it could change. I could make him do it but I can't make him want it.

It's take it or leave it. I guess I'm taking it. Even if it'll eat me alive.

After the "if I was any good with girls" incident today, I got paranoid. I started thinking he was with me only because he thought he couldn't get any better. It's stupid and irrational. But the lack of sex doesn't help at all.

Everything else is there. Affection is there. Friendship is there. Sex in person, it's also there. The gentle loving way he looks at me when he sees me. The blissful look on his face in our pics together. He plans our future, he commits to me.

So why does this one thing make me feel so bad and doubt it all?