So yeah...that was a nice ramble right there, and I haven't even technically gotten started. >.>
I'm such a hopeless romantic. I almost think I shouldn't watch movies with romance in them (which rules out practically everything
) because they make my heart ache after all that excitement and euphoria wears off. I'm not jealous, exactly...I just ache for that partnership, and the dreamer side of me really longs for the cute romantic things, too, even though relationships are seldom as perfect and ideal as they are in the movies (even the movies that have a pinch of reality to them, like when one person learns to love another person in spite of, or because of, their flaws). I mean, movies seem to present one major problem for the couple to overcome, and once they do...that's it, they're gold. No problems, just delirious love and happiness. XDAnd yeah, I admit it, part of me dreams of that and hopes someday I can have it.
But...really, these days, it's just the whole idea of loving one person and having them love me back that gets me. I honestly don't know where I'm going to end up, or with whom, but I've come to understand and accept that love isn't all about that cute, crazy, mushy, head-over-heels feeling and what people do because of it. And yeah, it's great to have those things and I'm not gonna tell someone to stop if they feel that way about me, but I don't expect it, either. Expecting it to last forever is one thing that I think everyone should kind of get over, to put it bluntly--that's not how successful relationships work. Feelings alone don't carry them; actions must be there even when feelings are not. But I don't think it's necessary for people to stop expecting any of that at all--I've just gotten over that myself. If I end up with a guy who wants to romance me every day for the rest of my life, great, and I mean that--really, great. I would LOVE that. But I wouldn't feel dissatisfied with someone I know appreciates me and whose actions support that, even if I don't feel "swept off my feet" because of things he does for me.
It's really been because I fell in love with my best friend that I've come to this place, emotionally. It was hard, at first, because when we first started being friends we had a little "honeymoon phase" where we couldn't get enough of each other, and when I first fell in love with him I wanted those days back. Even though we'd left them behind ages ago, and each of us had changed so much in the time we'd been friends that it wouldn't really be possible to go back to being the same as we were before.
Change is good--it's not always easy, but it's good. I hated it, for a while, because we grew so far apart that for a little while I didn't even mind how long we'd go without talking, and when I started caring again, I was afraid we wouldn't be able to ever come back together because it seemed like it might be too hard.
But we talked about it, because both of us had committed to being friends, and neither of us wanted to take it so lightly that we could be okay with just going our separate ways without even a small attempt to bridge the gap. We talked about it a lot. It took a lot of prayer and thought and tears (on my part), but we got through it. We're not the same "us" that we were before, and that's okay, because this "us" knows that even when life gets in the way, or our emotions go into recession, we'll still be good friends, because this "us" isn't based on anything so fickle as feelings.
And that taught me a lot, because we went through the hardest part of it all after I'd already realized I was in love with him. And far from my initial lovey-dovey feelings being a help to me, they were more of a hindrance. How can you objectively consider a relationship and the steps to take to recover it and stabilize it when your emotions are running riot through your thoughts? You might even fight too hard and in all the wrong places and sabotage what you were trying to salvage, if you give your heart free rein.
I also had to come to grips with the idea that any romantic feelings I have toward him are not, for the moment, returned by him. And they may well never be. Maybe not at all, maybe just not on the same level; either way, I realized I might never get that ideal romantic attention from him that I've dreamed of for much of my life.
Well...maybe I should get over him, I thought. Maybe I should just...stop loving him. For a while, I tried. I really did. Not for long, because deep down inside I never really wanted to, and it's very hard to do anything successfully when you truly don't want to and in fact want just the opposite to be done; but I did try. I reminded myself of the fact that he's not even old enough for us to have a real relationship anyway, and even if he did feel the same way now, by the time he's old enough to make something work, his feelings might change. And he might never be interested in me like that anyway, and what's the point of holding out for a few years when I could just find someone else who's closer to my age and who will definitely love me romantically?
Yeah...it wasn't any use. I mean, it's not just a crush, I know now. It's lasted too long to be just infatuation. And, maybe more importantly, it's lasted a long time, gotten stronger, and that's with absolutely no indication that there's any chance of reciprocation.
This realization kind of took a little longer to hit me than the lessons learned through working together to strengthen our friendship, but I think it was kind of the same lesson, just taking a while to sink into the rest of my life.
I don't love him because I'm attracted to him and want a relationship. I love him because he's amazing and I admire him and he inspires me to new heights and I can see how wonderful he is, without the photoshop job I'd been doing on him in my mind for ages. I know he's not perfect. I've had some really hard times with that boy. Really hard. But he's still the best friend I have on this earth. He's still amazing.
And when I was torn on whether or not it would even be worth it to risk losing a few years of searching for someone so I could wait and see if there can ever be something more than just friendship between us.... Finally, I got it.
Regardless of romantic love, regardless of attraction or anything fluffy, I highly value him as a person and I always always want him in my life. Always. Honestly, if we could make it work to be just friends, or like siblings, I would be happy with that. And maybe that's how things will end up working out. I dunno.
But right now, I don't think that's ever going to happen. I know myself too well. I love too much. If I find someone else, maybe for a while I would forget about Eebs "like that" and I could just have him as a close friend of the family. But going back to the feelings not carrying relationships thing...there are going to be times when whoever I'm with just isn't inspiring me to write love songs or poetry, and wishful thinking is such an easy trap to fall into. There Eebs would be, who I loved once upon a time, and maybe never really stopped loving, and who is still an awesome person and a good friend, and bam, there would be the daydreams over what life would be like if HE was my SO instead of whoever I was with...what a freaking pain that would be. I'm not going to go and cheat, but why put myself in temptation's way? I know me, and that would be a weakness for me. If things don't drastically change (which they could, conceivably), I would have to separate myself from Eebs, whether entirely or just by only being acquaintances instead of friends, if I want to have a relationship with someone else untroubled by that particular issue.
I'm okay with cutting out most any other guy friend, even the ones I'm darn sure I'll never be tempted to fall in love with, but I do not want to lose Eebs. Not now, not ever.
He is more important to me than a dreamy romantic relationship--I already know that if we got married, I would be able to trust that he would do as much to honor that commitment as I would. I wouldn't need little romantic gestures to reassure me that he's not going anywhere. And when the road gets rocky, I know we'd both buckle down and do what needs to be done to get through it. Is that kind of promise worth less than tons of romance? I think not. I have no illusions that I would be totally happy in a relationship with absolutely no romance whatsoever--but if he's ever willing to try a relationship out, I think it would be pretty safe to assume that there would be some level of romance going on, either because he feels that way or he's willing to do it for my sake. I'm not fussed.
Sheesh, freaking looooooooooong ramble. I just really really love Eebs, and waiting is hard, even though I feel it's worth it. I'd love nothing more than to skip through the next few years and show up in a time when an actual relationship could be considered a possibility between us. Like I said, I'm a hopeless romantic--I love the idea of having someone there by my side, facing life and all of its challenges with me. Someone who'll willingly spend the rest of his life with me.