I am kinda worried about Monday. My friend from Kansas told me she's moving up here after all, and will be here sometime in the early afternoon. I work 10:30 AM to 6:30 PM. I dunno how many points I have for calling in, but they stick for 6 months, and I'd really rather not get close to my 3-point limit. Lemme think...I left early once for my back, so that's half a point, and I guess I called off the next day for my back, so hopefully that's still just half a point. Um, I did call off last Sunday, so that's 1 full point total. I have 2 more points, and if I call off on Monday that's only 1.5 points I have to use over the next few months before I get in trouble. Which kinda sucks. But it's such short notice, I don't think I have time to find anyone to cover for me.
I don't work tomorrow, and the next day, my friend will be here. Urgh. But I can't just tell her never mind, I randomly changed my mind because I don't want to call off work just to help you move in. That would be ridiculous.Ow, my head hurts. Kinda like sinus pain. Oh yeah, I bought a neti pot today. I should use that. Might be useful.
My wrists have 221B written on them. I was gonna take a picture and put it up on Pinterest and Tumblr, but I'm too lazy. Or maybe not lazy...just unmotivated. I know it may sound like splitting hairs, but the difference matters to me. XD
That boy.... That boy. I swear. What a rollercoaster ride. On the one hand, he's responding to my FB messages, if a bit sporadically, so I know he's alive and still interested in being my friend. On the other, he's still such a question-dodger and so closed-mouthed, and he hasn't come on GTalk since he's been back (though I dunno if that's by choice or because he hasn't had the chance) so the only real conversation we've had was the first day he got back. I wish he would just...TALK to me. Communicate. I feel like I'm trying to pull teeth every time I ask him how his day was, and that's just ridiculous to me.
I mean...I know that's what comes naturally to him. I understand it, though it was hard for me to accept at first (because when we were first friends and he was more of a kid than a teenager, he was a lot more talkative and open). The fact that I'm a very word-oriented person is difficult for him because it means I need a lot more communication than he's naturally inclined to give.
But I've told him that it's an effort that needs to be made, and he acknowledged that--to paraphrase (because I'm going from memory here), he said that he realized it was a choice of whether or not he wanted to open up and start being loved, or keep to himself and keep on the way he has been. Like...he knew this was something we need to keep moving forward.
I think he's forgotten that. But I can't think of a way to bring this up without sounding naggy. We talk so little anymore. I never know when he's going to actually acknowledge something I say, or when he's going to ignore me. If I want to be sure that he's going to respond and be happy with the conversation, I have to kinda tailor what I say to fit what I know works. Talking about how I like OC Remix now. Mentioning that my dad gave me an old book called Easy Japanese. Stuff like that. I admit I do that a lot. Although, "a lot" is relative, because like I said, we talk so little. I want to get the most out of the time we get to converse, and since I know if I try to focus on anything a little more serious, I run the risk of him ignoring it and leaving me feeling frustrated, I don't even bother most of the time.
I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a stress or an energy-sap to him. I asked him, once, what I could do to be a better friend to him. He said that if I was asking what he gets out of the friendship, he gets plenty. And that was pretty much all he said. He's never lied to me before and he's proven with his actions that he's dedicated to our friendship, but I just...I want to know what he thinks, how he feels. Why he doesn't answer so many of my questions. Why, if he still wants to be friends, he puts the most minimal effort into us. What can I do to make things better? How can I help him see that he needs to put his money where his mouth is, or even WHAT his money is, because maybe he doesn't know?
It makes my heart ache. It really does. He's been a part of my life for so long. I'm still kinda friends with my first major ex, and we text every so often. I want to take a road trip before I leave on my mission, to visit a few people that don't live nearby, and he's willing to meet up when I do that. But even though we do still get along really well, we've grown so far apart that we hardly ever talk. Most of the time I'm fine, but when I actually think of it, I feel sad. We were such great friends once, and now look at us.
And I do not want that to happen with Eebs. He has brought so much brightness, and happiness, and joy to my life. He is such a big part of why I decided to go on a mission, and repair my relationship with God. He's made me who I am. Even if we never have a romantic relationship, I would rather cut off my arm, or my leg, or one of each, or all of my limbs than sit back and let us drift apart until we're no longer really even friends. Just two people who get along pretty well and who keep in touch to make sure that the other one's still alive.
I won't do it. I can't. But I don't know what I can do.
So yeah...stuck for ideas. XD