This past week I've been a little down in the dumps. Nothing in particular, just a little bout of lowness that I let creep in on me and wrap it's shadowy wisps around the edges of my psyche. My SO has always encouraged me to be open with him about anything, and so telling him I'm down in the dumps is no longer something that gives me anxiety. It's just something that I own, give to him to mold and reshape in such a way that it feels like he's given me a new, clean heart, one covered in crystals that reflect all the good he sees in me.

So when I realized I was down, and it wasn't going away, I wrote him a message knowing he'd see it when he woke up. I struggled because I feel so strongly toward him, but we've been taking this journey as patiently as possible. I've told him I love him in various ways over the year I've known him, but they've always been in such a context as he can brush it off to me being silly and gushy. So trying to tell him I missed him, that I needed him, without revealing the depth of emotion I feel I found very difficult. And I told him so.

This morning he responded, thanked me for being so open with him and expressed his opinion on what he thought I should do to help myself. He also told me he didn't know what to do about the things I wasn't "ready to say yet," but when I explained a little further he responded that it was okay if we kept certain things to ourselves until we meet in person finally. But he told me he thought the world of me, and that I was not alone in my feelings.

This is the greatest comfort he has ever given me, and he has given me so much. Considering this time last year he hadn't felt comfortable enough to give me his phone number (we'd been talking four months at this point), I view this as the reflection of how far we've come in the last year and some months. He has struggled with the idea of an LDR since almost the beginning because he didn't want to hurt me or him. It has devastated me at times, but I respected his decisions.

I just know that I can't live without him. Even if as just a friend. And so today, as tentatively frightening as it is, we have taken another step forward in this journey.

And one day, *Insert Title I Haven't Been Given Permission To Call You Yet lol*, when I tell you've I registered with this website, I want you to know, you've always meant everything to me.