Haven't been around while life demanded to be sorted out, but most things are settled and I feel I should give y'all an update.
Most importantly: SO managed to find a job just barely before the visa deadline, but it was worth the wait, because it's pretty much his dream job - A position for PhD student and researcher in a group in Berlin! They work on something pretty much directly related to what he wrote his master thesis about, so this is like it's made for him. It's a really lucky break, and after all he's done to make things work out, he really earned it.
So in January, he moved to Berlin. The only real downside of the job is that it doesn't pay a lot, so he can't support an independent life for us both ... and I'm sadly in no shape to work or move with him right now. My mental health is still pretty much nonexistant and until I can finally get back into therapy, that's not likely to change. I draw and sell illustrations to get some things done, but it's not enough. So, I'm currently packing up things to move back in with my mom.
I'm not eager about that step, for sure. Very mixed feelings. On one hand, the feelings of the past still sit deep - You don't really forget when your parent used to be an alcoholic and treated you with neglect and a cold shoulder. On the other hand, since my mom went into therapy about it a few years back, we've been increasingly closer, and now our relationship is better than it's ever been before. There is actual love and trust between us now. I'm just scared it'll be ruined by us living together, but we deserve the chance to try and do it right, I think.
At least Hamburg and Berlin are very well connected with public transport (just 9-15 euro for the bus), and my mom lives close to Hamburg, so visiting me will not be too expensive. My SO's boss is very easygoing and kind, and has already given him a raise (usually governmental institutions like his research center have the same fixed salaries for a position, but since my SO placed in the top 20% of his class, he was entitled to a raise), so visiting every 1 or 2 weeks is in the cards.
Hopefully, at some point, I can be stable enough to move to Berlin to be with my SO, but for now once the move is dealt with I gotta focus on my health and future. Our future together is looking bright - A PhD is very highly valued in Germany and only takes 3 years as opposed to the (I think) 7 in the US, so once he has that in the bag, his career is gonna be very fruitful. He's thrilled to do what he's doing and really hopes to be able to provide for us both, that's a big thing for him. We just have to keep things simple, bide our time and save money the next few years. It's not ideal, and we certainly miss each other a lot after having lived together for almost a year ... but at the same time, I feel that our relationship can take this too, and that being committed to each other is all about sticking it out through the more challenging times, too.
So, all in all, while things aren't ideal right now and I'm a mess mentally, I'm hopeful and positive. I'm excited about our future, and I really hope it'll be a stable one for many years to come.
I'm glad to be back
