This post is about religion and God. Consider yourself warned.

I have done so much searching for God in the past 6 or so years. I grew up in a pretty atheist household. We didn't really talk about religion but I definitely grew up really skeptical about religion because I was on the outside. But I longed for the community that religion brought. I grew up in Utah and any non-Mormon in Utah will tell you how much of an outsider that can make you feel.

In college, I became more in touch with my Jewish heritage. I was active in Hillel at the nearby university; I even revived, and became president of, a Jewish Student Union at my university. In 2008, I went to Israel on a Birthright trip and I started to try and learn Hebrew. But there was always the constant disapproval coming from within the Jewish community and from non-Jews, as well. You see, I am only patrilineally Jewish, which was a problem for many.
I felt like I was wasting energy on a religion that didn't even want me. But I still craved God. I still wanted to know God so badly.

I then lived in 2 Muslim countries, away from any Jewish community. And I saw that I was the same exact person with or without Judaism. I still followed my own moral compass, I still treated others with respect, and I still longed to know God. My belief in God was the same with or without a religion: it was sometimes weak and insecure and sometimes strong and confident.

I had a bit of a religious breakdown in Mali. I so badly wanted to know God and I couldn't understand how everyone else could be so sure of God. My wonderful SO taught me to be patient with God. I am now on my own faith journey and I know I can't rush that.

Which brings me to the whole point of this post: feeling God. Since I started truly opening myself up to God...not religion, but God...I have had a few instances where I've really felt like I'm in the presence of God, like I am not alone.
My first significant one was in Mali, when I asked God for a sign and received one in a very unexpected way. I have felt a few moments of being close to God since then but the second most significant one was tonight. I was praying and meditating while gazing at a candle and listening to music. All of the sudden the candle flame flickered and I smiled.

I felt wrapped up in God's presence and I knew that I wasn't alone.