Strange Feelings

mllebamako started a blog post Strange Feelings
February 19, 2011, 03:42 AM
Strange Feelings

I just need to get my thoughts down into words right now. They are a bit jumbly though. But I'd appreciate any thoughts...

For the past few weeks, every once in awhile, I've gotten this pit-of-the-stomach worry feeling about our relationship. I don't really know exactly what the worry is but it's like this worry that maybe things won't work out. That we won't last forever.

I know forever is something that's never guaranteed. But I usually feel fine about that because I know that there is nothing I want more than for us to last forever. And that gives me strength. But lately that feeling has not given me strength.

I just feel weird. I don't know. I think I just am freaking out a bit because we are closing the distance and it all seems so real now. Of course, it was real before. We lived together, we were engaged, and we had a big traditional engagement ceremony. But I always had that stretch of 9 months in France lying ahead of me. Now, we don't have that anymore. And I guess it's scary.

But it's not like I'm REALLY worried or crying or anything. I feel fine when I am talking to him, our love feels solid. But in the hours and hours that I spend alone every day, I feel this little worry creeping up on me. I don't want it there, but it is.

Last night, I had a dream where I was talking to my Mom and telling her that I was scared that I would regret being with him down the road. I woke up from that dream feeling really shaken up. I usually don't give my dreams much credit, they are so weird. But this one is bothering me b/c it said the same thing that that little nagging worried feeling says.

It also worries me b/c when I read back through my journal from when I was with my ex-boyfriend, I notice that I was trying to convince MYSELF that everything was okay and that I loved him. What if this is the same thing? What if I'm trying to convince myself of something that's not there? Ughh I'm just freaking myself out again.

I hope that I'm just having one of those downward bits on the rollercoaster. I hope that it's just all this time that I have alone has caused me to overanalyze things and be too "in my head" and that all my worries will dissipate when I'm back with him.

Has anyone been through a period like this? Any words of wisdom?
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7 comments
- #5
  
  mllebamako commented
  
  February 19, 2011, 10:01 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Thank you thank you thank you all for your words of encouragement. It also really helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this anxiety before closing the distance. I think that what you guys are saying is right and I believe that a lot of this comes from me having way too much time alone and then from natural worries (like Tanja said a built in safety system) when making a big change like this.
  I just needed to be reassured that what I'm feeling is pretty normal. So thanks again for that.
  
  You guys are really the best.
  
  (ps. Rach, I had a similar dream a few months ago where my SO had left me for someone else and I was sooo upset and he was completely uncaring. It was so awful. I had to call him and hear his voice saying words of love so that I could feel better
- #6
  
  lucybelle commented
  
  February 19, 2011, 10:32 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Oh gosh I totally felt that way in the days leading up to my SO moving in. And even now that he's here I'm like "is this real?" I mean we're having a great time, he's wonderful, we're in love, but it's still scary and new for me. I figure it will last as long as it does, then we'll move on. That's not the most romantic thing to say, but it's true. I'm at peace with that.
- #7
  
  Moon commented
  
  February 19, 2011, 11:02 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  What you're feeling is totally normal, forever is an extremely long time. If you weren't thinking about the possible negatives and having these kinds of worries, then you wouldn't be being realistic about things. As the time gets closer, you can't help but have episodes of doubt, it is your whole future rushing up at you, after all Just keep all the reasons you love your guy in perspective and realize its natural to question something so vitally important to your entire future.
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Strange Feelings