I am a person who loves to plan, someone who often sits around and daydreams about my future. But life often has different plans and sometimes I have a hard time accepting that.
In some ways, my relationship is better than I could have imagined. I feel more loved, supported, and comfortable than I thought was even possible with another human being. But in other ways, there are things in my SO's life that I didn't imagine my future husband would have.
He has a 2 year old daughter. This I have always accepted and I love her but it was always in our plans that she keeps living with his aunt and then his mother for a few more years before we possibly take her. That is what I want because I want us to have a rock solid foundation on our own before we add in the complication of children living with us.
A month ago, the aunt told him that his daughter isn't even his. This was shocking to everyone but we also don't know if it's true b/c his aunt is manipulative and has lied about things in the past. So we're waiting to do DNA testing before we freak out about that one. But it's still in the back of my mind.
Yesterday, his aunt says she doesn't want to take care of his daughter anymore. His mom can't take her until we get to the US (his mom is in the US, we are in Africa). So we are shit out of luck. He knows that I don't really want her living with us, so he says that he is going to try and figure out if she can go to another aunt's place or something.
I feel awful...I feel like I'm making him choose between his child and me. I told him that we can talk about her moving in with us if he wants but he said that he'll try and figure it out first.
I guess I'm just having a time accepting this new curveball. I've been quite upset since he told me yesterday. And I also feel like I'm being a bad fiancee because I'm not supporting him, I'm just worrying about how it will affect me and our relationship.
Bleh. I feel like shit.
The one thing I can tell you, is you really can arrange to have quality time to build your relationship, even if his daughter does come to live with you, and because you are a planner.. you will be far better off. I'm not sure distance and logistics, but arranging weekend visits with aunts, and alone time in a daily routine.. can be done.
Hugs and more hugs.
To the point: I was shocked when I read that it's common in Africa to leave your child to live with another family member. I could never ever imagine doing that! Why wouldn't your SO be able to provide a stable home for her? Especially if you live with them, she would have 2 wonderful parents and a home filled with love - I can't imagine a better place to be.
Having a kid and a relationship CAN work. And the time you get to spend alone feels much more special that way. In my opinion anyway - though I'm a parent and therefore biased lol.
His daughter is staying with a different aunt for now and then I suggested that we take her every other weekend or something (Thanks Dauntedpoet
Tanja: I was pretty surprised about how family works in Africa. It's such a different concept than what I grew up with. But it is very common--like I said, my SO lived with various family members and maybe only 10 years total with his own parents.
There are a few reasons we worry about taking her ourselves: our apartment isn't very big so she would have to sleep in our room. He drives me to work everyday on his moto, so there would be no one to watch over her, and I am also the main provider right now and I think he would feel more comfortable taking her if he had a more stable job.
I'm just breathing through it and trying to take what life throws at me.