Wow, it really has been ages since I blogged here. In fact, I'm pretty sure I went back and deleted all my posts for the sake of being semi-anonymous on the internet (as if that's possible, ha!). But I do remember blogging at LFAD to be quite therapeutic, and I could definitely use some therapy, so here I go again.

I don't expect any responses for this really, it's more about getting it out on paper. There is only so many times my friends (you guys) can hear about my struggling relationship and tell me that you're sorry that it hurts, that you support me, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love love love getting your support and your sympathies. I guess I just feel guilty, and slightly embarrassed, for constantly having problems. I guess I worry that behind those supportive comments, there are really eye-rolls and thoughts of "when will she ever get rid of this guy"

The last few months, or maybe I can say way longer than that, have been very difficult. And as much as I keep hoping and praying and putting in effort, I am just not convinced anymore that anything is going to change.

We've had several of those moments, those relationship ending moments, where I've started looking for my own apartment or where it has really seemed like the end. But then it's so hard to let go. My love for him is overwhelming and makes me want to believe all of his promises to change, makes me give him yet another chance. Not all the times are bad obviously (which makes it harder). And in the greatest of ironies, I think things were actually much easier when we were long distance. Last week he was away for the week and things seemed so easy in comparison. We didn't have any daily struggles to bring us down. We only had our short phone conversations which were little bursts of love. When we're around each other all the time, we have the bursts of love plus all of the other bullshit.

I'm in a really sad place right now. And the way things are going, I can see myself finally taking the big step and ending it over the next few months. I can't talk to anyone about this (except you guys), mostly because I'm ashamed but also because I feel like they'll push me to leave right away (which is understandable seeing as they know and love me and want my happiness). But it's not that easy. And maybe I am dragging it out longer than I should and hurting myself in the process. But this is all I can do for right now. I'm just doing the best I can, and personally, I can't leave yet (although the fact that I'm talking about it like this is already a huge step for me).

My heart feels like it's breaking. Everyday right now is a heavy one. I don't know what will happen in the next few months but I know that I am strong enough to make it through it.