I married for love but was naïve about the practicalities of it all. The love that I have for my SO is greater than anything I have ever experienced and it blinded me and has hurt me in the long run. There were times when I was pregnant that I would break down and start apologizing to my unborn child. I’m sorry that I’m bringing you into this unhealthy situation. I feel so stupid for having married, and gotten pregnant by, someone with whom I had such a rocky relationship and have had doubts about all along.
I am so in love with Amina and Rokia...so happy to be a mom. And as much as I love my husband, I am miserable with him right now. When he is in a good mood and present, things are great. But his good moods are rare and his presence at home, even rarer. He is irresponsible and not doing his duties as a father or a husband. I feel like I am married to a teenager. He recognizes that he is treating me like shit but he still won't do anything to change it. He gets angry with himself for doing so and promises future change…but won’t force himself to change now.
He stays out almost every single night- I sleep alone and do all of the baby things alone. He sleeps almost the whole day in our extra bedroom. He promises that he’ll get up to take Rokia to school. He doesn’t. He promises that he’ll get up at 1 pm to pick her up. He doesn’t. Luckily, we have a maid, so I usually send Rokia to school with her in a taxi. Some days that doesn’t work, like this morning when the maid was late. So, while my husband slept soundly, I had to get the baby bundled up (it’s “winter” here) and walk to the road to get a taxi to take Rokia to school because our car is at the shop. How fucked up is that? He will finally get out of bed around 4 pm and spend time outside smoking with his friends who stop by and then, all of the sudden, he’ll decide that it’s time for him to run out and finally get around to the errands he’s supposed to do. Once he decides that it’s time to go, he better get out of here asap. I wouldn’t dare ask him to hold the baby for 5 minutes while I shower, he’s got way too much to do.
I can try to analyze where all of our problems come from, but it doesn’t seem to matter because he won’t change. Mostly I think it’s from his feelings about not being able to provide for the family in the traditional (read: financial) sense. I wish he would just get over that. Who cares that I provide? He could provide in so many other ways. Instead, not only do I provide all of the money, I do everything else as well. He does so little with the kids that it’s embarrassing and sad for them.
Not only do I feel embarrassed....I feel stuck. If things were different, I probably would’ve left him by now, kept the kids with me and had them see him as often as he'd like. But here I am, 6,000 miles away from home and I am stuck. If I leave him, I still have to stay in this country that is not my home and that I am pretty miserable in. I wouldn't be able to go back to the US for a few reasons- number one being that I cannot leave Rokia behind. In every way, except for the legal one, she is my child and I will not leave her. And, even if I could take Rokia and Amina with me, I wouldn't want to take them away from their dad.
So I am stuck. And I feel like the only option is to put up with it and wait until we can, hopefully, move to the States. And then, by that point, hope that things have improved or know that we could separate once there and still both be able to be in our kids lives.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here- I guess just a chance to be honest with some friends and get this off of my chest. If you have any advice for me, I’d love it. But it has to be advice for ME, not for my husband. Because I know that the only variable I can change and have control over in this situation is me. And I have really started to lose hope that he will ever change.
Ugh sorry…that was super depressing. If you made it through, you get rewarded with cute Amina and Rokia pics!
Your two girls are precious !