Another night of my SO acting like an ass. Nothing new there. But now, lying in bed, I'm starting to worry about the future. It's easy for now to just accept the way things are right now, since there is nothing I can do to change them, and just be hopeful that things change. But if I really start to examine what our future will look like...then I really freak out.

Best case scenario: We move, we both get jobs, things improve in our relationship, he starts being a better husband/dad, etc. I do see that as a real possibility. But I do wonder that even at his best, will it be enough for me? There are so many culturally different things in regards to raising our kids that we struggle with. From his context, being a great dad is VERY different than being a great dad in my context. So my worry is, even in the best case scenario, will I be satisfied with his best? Will it be enough for me and our children?

Worst case scenario: We move, things do not improve. Realistically, we would end up divorcing. Again, this is the worst case- he'd probably want to move to Atlanta to be with his family. Or worst, worst, worst case- back to Africa. And then, my biggest worry, would be Rokia. If he moved to Atlanta, I worry that he'd want to (or his family would pressure him to) take Rokia. Then we'd be separating our girls and I wouldn't get to be in Rokia's life. That really freaks me out. Because all of this that I'm putting up with...I'm doing it all for her. If she wasn't a factor, I would've been long gone. To put up with all of this and then lose her anyway? I feel my heart breaking just thinking about it.

I really wish I could sit down and talk this through with him. But he's never around long enough for more than a 2 minute conversation. And even when he's around, 75% of the time he is in a shit mood and it would be pointless to talk to him.

Things have gotten so bad that I only see him maybe once a day for 5 minutes. I've stopped asking him to be home for certain things (I used to practically beg to just have him come home for ONE meal a day). Now, I don't even ask. That way, I don't get disappointed when he doesn't show up.

Fucking miserable. What am I doing here?