Thursday: It's days like these that I can't wait to leave Mali.

I dropped Rokia off at school and while she's getting out of the car, this a-hole teacher on a motorbike yells "White girl, get outta the way". I was so pissed off that I parked the car and came inside to talk to him. He claimed that I was blocking the moto entrance but there really isn't any other way to do it and everyone drops their kids off there. I said, "My daughter was getting out, I couldn't move and you could have waited for a minute". He literally turned his back to me. I said, "Excuse me, we are still talking". So he kind of half turned around. And I said, "And another thing, my name isn't "white girl"." Some lady next to him laughed, which pissed me off more. I said, "No, it's not funny. How would you feel if someone called you "black lady"? There are a dozen ways to get someone's attention in French or in Bambara if you don't know their name, you could've said "Madame" or "Ma soeur" or "Tanti" or "Baaramuso" (kind of like "Working lady"). He then gave me some half-assed apology and I left.

The "white lady" thing really gets to me sometimes. Whenever I step out of the house, I'm sure that someone is going to call me "white lady". And it's the way they say it too, like they are making fun of you. It really eats away at you. I've lived here for almost 4.5 years now, I have Malian nationality, my whole family is Malian, yet I can't go to the corner store without someone reminding me that I am different. When kids say it, I usually laugh it off. But when educated adults, like this teacher on the moto, use it- when there are so many polite alternatives- it really hurts.

Friday: It's days like these that I wish I was staying in Mali.

I had a great day today. Things have been going a lot better with my SO, I spent time with friends and Amina at the pool, and I was just feeling generally good about life. I worry about going to America- what is it going to be like to work a full-time job and lose all that time that I could be spending with my kids? I am so lucky here to only work until 1 pm everyday. I have all afternoon to eat, rest, and hang out with the girls. I can't imagine getting off of work at 5, commuting home, making dinner, and then it's already bedtime. I feel like I'm never going to see my girls and that makes me really sad. I'm also so lucky here to have a full-time housekeeper and full-time nanny. I'll have to do all of those chores (hopefully with the help of my SO, but I'm not counting on it) and then lose more time with the kids.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm voluntarily giving up a life where I get off work at 1 pm, have 2 week vacations ever 1.5 months, and have a nanny/housekeeper. Then I remember how miserable I've felt in the past few months here- how incredibly lonely I've felt. God, I hope that moving is worth it.