I'm leaving in 4 days to go visit the States- bringing both girls with me. I am so ready to see my family and have them see Amina and Rokia. And, even more so, I am ready to get a break from Mali and a break from my SO.

Things had been going actually pretty well recently. He was home a lot more and helping out a bit with the baby. But for the past week, things have been total shit. I can't count on him for anything right now. I found out that he's been using drugs. He's gotten so much worse in every way. I feel like I'm married to a stranger. I'm so fucking miserable and I wish I had a way out. Sometimes, after he talks to me and walks away, I find myself repeating "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" in my head. How messed up is that? But somehow, at the same time, I still really love him. I miss the person that he was. I miss the relationship we had.

I am freaked out about the visa. Of course I hope that he will change when we get to the States. But I can't count on that.
I am doing all of this work to bring over someone with whom my relationship is so rocky. I am going to be signing an affidavit promising the US gov't that I will support him and that he will not apply for any gov't aid. What the hell am I doing? No one in their right mind would do something as serious as a US marriage visa for someone that they are so unsure of right now.

But what choice do I have? I just don't see any other option (because of the Rokia situation). I feel so incredibly stuck and I wish that I could get out.

I know that every blog I write rehashes this same problem - I'm sorry. But it's all that is going through my head all of the time. Maybe I'm just having a rough few days and things will look better in the morning. But, even if they do, I know that I'll be right back in the same mindset a few days down the road.

I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless that I just keep going through the motions, doing all the steps towards the visa. But the second I start to really think about what it all means, I freak out about the future. So to preserve my sanity, I focus on the tangible - the paperwork to be done, the research for moving.

I can't believe I got myself into such a fucked up situation.