Wow, it's been 4 months since I signed onto LFAD. Honestly, things have been really tough and I've felt really alone, which means I probably should have signed on and reached out for support...but I was, I guess, embarrassed about my situation.

I had so much hope that moving to America would better our situation, our relationship, our family. Unfortunately, nothing changed and things only got worse. After only about 3 weeks here, my soon-to-be-ex-husband got arrested in front of me and the kids when he got super drunk at the bar and when I went to take him home, we got in an argument during which he grabbed my jacket, and then verbally argued with other guys who were saying that he shouldn't put his hands on me. He spent 2 nights in jail and I was really shaken up. Long story short, he has to do domestic violence classes and drug and alcohol classes for the court. All of this was really a blessing in disguise, because I ended up taking advantage of the free domestic violence therapy offered to me by the courts. I found an amazing therapist and I realized how incredibly emotionally abusive he had become in our relationship. I think I knew on some level and was in denial, but being here and seeing how he was treating me through other peoples' eyes was really a wake up call.

We tried to work on things a bit longer, he actually went to intensive rehab for awhile but ended up dropping out (not a surprise). He spent a month in Atlanta with his family and during that time, I figured out that I really couldn't stay in this relationship, even if it meant losing full-time parenting of Rokia. When he came back from Atlanta, I told him that I wanted a divorce. For about a month after that, we stayed living in the same house (him in the basement) but he started to become mean to me and accusing me of all sorts of bullshit. He would wake me up in the middle of the night and NEED to talk about something that happened years ago that he was still angry about. He was really incapable of seeing his responsibility in the demise of our relationship. Eventually, I moved to my parents' house (30 minutes from him). He refused to let me take Rokia and since I have no rights on that front, I accepted his decision. I have really come to a pretty good place of accepting that I do not have any choice in that matter. So now for the past 2 months, Amina and I have lived with my parents. We've been going to see him and Rokia a few times a week. It's been hard on everyone, but so much better than me living there. He is still very unpredictable: I'll go sometimes and he'll be very nice and we'll have an good time as a family. Other times I go and he speaks meanly towards me and tells me about how I've done and am still doing everything wrong. He says that he realizes how badly he's fucked it up and he just sometimes takes it out on me. Whatever.

We have already been through all of the divorce talks and signed the papers what not. It'll be official in probably 2 months (waiting period and health insurance issues). I will have sole physical custody of Amina, meaning he gets to see her every other weekend and one evening a week. I have no rights over Rokia, not even a guarantee to see her once a month. It's all in his hands. Because of this, I have really had to start to think of her in a different way, which has been painful and challenging. I have had to move her out of the "daughter" category in my mind and into more of a "step-daughter" or like niece category. I still love her with all my heart, but for self preservation, I have had to pull back a little bit. I will never forgive HIM for that.

He is staying here for another few months to finish his court-mandated classes and his physical therapy (he had surgery on his leg last week). Then he'll be moving to Atlanta to be near his family and put some space between us. I am thankful for that because he is so damn unpredictable and, in some ways, I feel like my life still revolves around his needs. I am looking forward to the day where we are not in the same state. He was always planning on taking Rokia to Atlanta with him but with his surgery and his irresponsibility, he was having a hard time taking her to school on time and what not. So he actually ended up sending her to Atlanta ahead of him. She left on a plane last week. It was extremely difficult for me, but I put a brave face on for the kids. I have lost my child. The child who I raised basically by myself for 5 years. His family is kind to me and says that I can visit her whenever I'd like and I can call whenever. But it isn't the same, obviously. Amina is doing well but I have definitely noticed changes since we moved out. She is clingier than before. She is more emotional. She is very easily scared. We talk about missing Rokia and we chat with her on the phone every few days.

So that is where I am in my life. Things are hard but I feel like I've made so many positive steps forward. Steps that I never thought I'd be strong enough to take. But here I am. I am still doing lots of therapy and trying to figure out who I am. I feel like I really lost a lot of myself in that relationship. I am trying to make friends because I really want to feel like I belong. It's hard to push myself but I know I must. I have to do all of this because I want a better life for myself and Amina. We deserve that.

love you and have missed you all.

Laura