I'm not good at this. I don't know how to do it. I was a huge part of his life. I saw him every day. I got to see the way he looked at me when he came home. I got to be with him even when it was silent. I got to have him in his sweet sleepy moments right before falling asleep. I got him waking me up before he left for work to tell me goodbye. I got so many kisses and hugs. He was in my life t least 40 hours a week.

How do I go from that to where we are at now. He is not a phone person. And I want those silent moments of just being together back. So we talk for twenty minutes to an hour every night. And I can get him to video chat me once a week or so. He really enjoys them when we do them and says we should do it more often. I just don't know how I am supposed to be okay with this.

It's been over a week and a half. I know that's not that long, and I know I am getting a lot, but it doesn't feel like enough. It's so much less. I already feel like I am not a part of his life as much, and he isn't a part of mine. I just want him back. I want him here. Or I want to be there.

I'm also really disappointed because he is flying back here Monday while I am in class and immediately getting in the car and driving. He didn't schedule it so I could at least pick him up from the airport. I get nothing. I just feel like I am the needy one. And I need too much. And it seems like he doesn't need any of it, like he's not struggling as much as I am.

I'm just not okay, and I don't know what to do. I am losing the ability to function. And I'm trying to get in shape to help, but what started out as a healthy weight loss is quickly leading to me eating less and less. And I just can't do the things I need to do. And I know I need to do something, but what would make this all so much better is just one hug from him, just one.

I feel crazy. I am crazy now.

Edit Update: I finally went to sleep and am feeling much more okay now. I know we all go through this. Adjusting has just had its ups and downs.