I am feeling tempted. I am not just aware of the temptation around me, no. Now I am tempted by it. I hate admitting it. I hate myself for admitting it. I recognize where it is coming from. I'm not feeling emotionally supported right now. I had a bad day, and he was too exhaustedly tired to handle it, fine. That isn't his fault. He was basically sleep talking to me. So I told him we would talk the next day on his day off, but no, he gets super drunk. He finds out his dad is drunk miles and miles away and decides to do the same thing to feel closer to him. But then that leaves me without him to talk to. And normally I would just talk to someone else, but this was a big huge thing from my past. All the people I trust to talk about this moved away. So there isn't anyone here, other than my ex boyfriend.

So I mean really, I've always found other guys attractive, and I've always been occasionally horny. But it has never been a problem. But last night I'd just had enough and needed to talk to someone so I ended up talking to my ex boyfriend (not in person). He is really good at being there and giving advice. That was never one of his flaws. I don't want him back or anything.

Then my parents were talking to me about my SO and THEY got into my head which didn't help. They said that it doesn't seem like he has interest in me, that "he seems perfectly content with drinking the milk for free without ever buying the cow". Yes, I realize and am annoyed that my dad compared me to a cow or insinuated I could be bought. But it gets to me. I get that he is not the quick to marry type. I am the same way. But I figured we would be on the same level at least for a while and we aren't.

December doesn't seem so far away. I want to talk about moving there and closing the distance. I want to talk about moving in with him and living together. It would only be one small step from where we were before he left (in that I wouldn't have an apartment I was paying for and never staying in). And honestly, I want to feel supported. I want to feel like he cares and feels things. I just don't right now.

So yeah, I'll talk to him about this, but I just am not happy right now.