Well, yesterday I had an off day. I felt sad and tired, just overall misery. I kinda got through the day in a fog, then settled in at my overnight. Saturday is date night, so when Wes got home from work he picked a movie and we watched it. I mentioned since I hadn't gotten my Valentine's package yet so hopefully it would arrive Monday and we could open our respective packages then. I said webcam day. He dismally said it'll be something different. So I jokingly said "omg u'll have to see my face on webcam! how terrible" Then he replied which had no sarcastic undertone "yea we don't want that." He continued his non-sarcastic sounding banter, which just got to me. I can't take shit like that when I'm depressed. He finally took the hint and cut it out.
We then just started talking about our friends and work and we got stuck on this conversation of Walmart. Wes hates Wal-mart, won't work for walmart won't step inside a walmart. Which is fine, but I was telling him how I worked there, it wasn't a super terrible experience. However, it got side tracked and he pretty much started attacking me. Saying when he was here I was pushing him to work there, just because it would have been a job. Which he was lacking when he moved here. Which isn't true, I may have mentioned it once or twice but i never pushed bc I know he hates the place. The conversation continued like that him taking stabs at me, saying I was asking him to violate his morals and crap by suggesting it. He used terrible examples like would you work in a baby killing factory, or a sweat shop. It was like everything he was holding back from when he was here, everything he resented me for when he was here he decided to spit out last night.
Needless to say his jabs at me eventually became too much and I just started crying. I was already depressed, and feeling low and he just dug me deeper into the mud. He left saying sorry i'm an asshole and that was it. I cried for like 10 minutes after we hung up, and he texted me he was sorry again before he went to sleep. All I could muster was S'ok. So this morning he texted me once again, good morning and i'm sorry. But I really wasn't going to let this slide this time. Its not the first time i've told him I'm down n he sticks it to me.
I basically told him its not cool that when he's depressed I bend over backwards to try to make him feel better and when i'm down he makes me feel 20x worst. I also told him I don't deserve to be treated like that, and what I really need when I feel down is TLC. He said he was sorry several more times I said good i'm glad your sorry you were an asshole last night. Then I told him I was going back to sleep and ended the conversation.
I just feel really hurt, and even more down then I was yesterday. I was already feeling like crap about everything in general and he took it and made me feel so much worst. Now I'm struggling through the day, just trying to make myself do what I do. I'm angry at him but i'm so numb and down at this point that I almost don't feel the anger. On the flip side i'm trying to forgive him but I'm having a hard time doing so.
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rubydissolution started a blog post Nothin like being kicked while your down...Nothin like being kicked while your down...
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#2rubydissolution commentedEditing a commentI've never really handed it to him like i did this morning. I really was just pissed that he could treat me like that. Mostly bc he was depressed a few days before and I was super supportive and we watched funny shows and I wrote him a letter about why I love him. That was all to cheer him up. He did none of that. I never really considered it verbal abuse until you mentioned it. I should know better having volunteered in a shelter for battered women. My depression is pretty rare, once a month twice at the very most. I think he's done it once or twice before. The last time I feel like I just let it slide. So no I don't think he's thought to change. I almost feel like I lost my backbone with him. I need to stand up for myself more.
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#3Haley53 commentedEditing a commentI definitely agree. Something you could consider, I think I posted it somewhere around LFAD, is putting your foot down and leaving when he begins to treat you that way. After my SO's mother passed away, for a while, I felt like I owed it to sit there while he got angry at me over what felt like nothing, even when it bordered into what was more or less abusive behaviour. Even though it was situational, what made a world's worth of difference was my being able to say, "you know I love you, but I don't feel like I deserve this aggression. I'm feeling x so I'm going to go do y," and then leaving to take care of me. It was a matter of conditioning him to realise that if he treated me that way? I wouldn't sit there and accept it quietly. I also found that even if it hurt, I was able to calm down quicker since I had not allowed the situation to escalate. Perhaps if he gets like this, you can have enough "backbone," as you put it, to say something similar. Tell him you love him but that you don't feel you deserve the aggression. Tell him you're willing to talk it out but only when you're both calmed down, because you're feeling depressed and need to take some time to take care of yourself. If he texts you apologising? Ignore it for at least half hour. You need to both take the time to calm down, and then reconvene. -
#4rubydissolution commentedEditing a commentThat's good advice, and something I've started to do prior to this incident. Pretty much just leaving bc I don't need to take his crap. This time it all sort of came on so fast that I didn't realize it til I was in tears. He then abruptly ended the conversation and left. I don't know if he caught himself doing it or what but he ended it. I'll definitely do this more and be more aware of where the conversation is leading. I'll have to practice on ignoring his texts and waiting to discuss issues, seeing as I hate going to bed angry. Thanks again.
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