Well, Wes and I are over. I'm struggling to wrap my head around it...but its hard.

Following the Saturday incident, I waited two days to really get on the phone and talk to him. I was just so upset about what he did. Though he said he was sorry, something was still upsetting me. I realized the lack of affection he gives me on a daily basis to be discouraging. I really wasn't happy where the relationship was, and I'd hoped to fix it. I had hoped we would lay our cards on the table and try to fix them. Unfortunately, when I sat down to talk to him that didn't happen. I first told him about that night and how he made me feel. He said he was sorry again and said he needs to be more aware of his emotions and what he says. I then moved onto the lack of affection, but that quickly turned into me asking him if he wanted a relationship or if he wanted to be single. But the big question that got us talking was did he see a future with me. He basically said he wasn't sure, that he could see it but it was a small possibility. I proceeded to tell him that if he can't see a future whats the point of us being in a relationship. Then moved on to ask him again if he wanted this. He said the doubts I'd been feeling for a while he had recently been feeling himself. I told him we needed to figure this out, so we'd take the following day to think about it and get back to one another that night.

Tuesday was horrible. I went out and distracted myself with my co-worker. I helped her with her computer and she made us dinner. Was the first time I'd eaten food from Kenya. After I left however the reality of the situation that was more then likely going to occur hit me. I cried the entire half hour ride home. Then I cried when I got home on and off. I think my head knew what had to be done but my heart didn't want to hear it, and the reality hurt.

I played the waiting game with him, til around 3am. I figured I'd give him as much time as he needed to decide what he wanted to do. So, as I got ready for bed he got home and we talked. The conversation started like any other, how was your day, whats going on, how are you. Apparently he got an email from the post office and he had written the address on my Valentine's package wrong. He had to fix it and resend it. JOY! Not his fault though, it happens. After the pleasantries, we dove right into it. I asked if he had made a decision. He stuttered at first then rolled right into it. He said he didn't feel like he could be the boyfriend I needed the way things are right now for us, this whole LDR thing. I agreed with him. Then we kind of just said it, "So I guess this is over" and he said "I guess so". I started crying then, and I had promised myself I wouldn't. I had given him a few options the night before, clean break, open relationship or the unconventional we could break up now and see where we stand at the end of the year. I asked him what sounded good. We agreed on the end of the year scenerio. We talked a little bit about our relationship, which kept me crying. Then he said hey lets do something else to make you cry (making a joke), "lets play magic, i'll beat you three times". We did that continuing our playful banter. Something in me wanted to ask a question about our decision. I asked him he said he didn't feel like he could be the boyfriend i needed as things are now, online, but did he feel the same way about when we are in person. He said no, not as much. We talked about what goes on when we're together, how much different we are. How well we got along when he moved here despite the stresses. We are totally compatible when we are together. We make each other laugh, carry on good conversations and just enjoy each others company. That made me feel better about the ultimate decision that we made. I felt like, if we waited til the end of the year, and our hearts were still with each other, and the big one, if neither of us had gotten into committed relationships with anyone else, then being with him was where I was meant to be. I was supposed to move to Portland at the end of the year. I'm still going to save up for it, and if he's who I'm meant to be with I'll have the means to be with him and not do this LDR thing again. BC at the end of the day, the distance is what drove us apart. We talked for a while longer, I told him I'm still coming to see him in July for his birthday. As its a tradition for me to go see my friends out of state on their birthdays. He said he thought that could be arranged. After that we said good night. I told him I felt like it was the last time I was going to say I love him. He said no, its not munchkin (nickname he gave me while we were dating). I told him he could still call me that, and he said he would. And that was it. It was over.

It was probably the nicest, most upbeat break up I've ever been part of. Though on the flip side, I've never had to break up with someone I'm still so in love with. I'm in a lot of pain, my heart hurts. Everyone is saying how mature we are for how we handled it but I still feel like a child bc when I sit and think about it I still cry and I still second guess the decision. The reality of the situation hit me this morning when I didn't get the 'good morning cutie' texts I'd become accustomed to. Luckily my friend Alex was ready to take me out for a day of shopping and food and movies to take my mind off it. None of it helps when I get home at the end of the night and I don't have my boyfriend to talk to. Even though we agreed to stay friends, keep talking, playing WoW and watching the occasional movie together. One of my friends called it putting the relationship on 'hold'. I guess that's a pretty accurate description.