It's actually really pathetic...I'm tearing up as I write this. It's almost like one of my closest friends died tragically. Who thought I'd have some sentimental attachment to a car. I'm not sad about having to fork out money for a new car, I'm not sad about all the paperwork I'm gonna have to do, not sad about insurance crap, nope I'm upset bc I'm never going to be able to drive my car again. MY car, not mom, or dad, or grandmas car, MY car.

I went car shopping back in 2005, I knew exactly what car I wanted. A 2005 Toyota Corolla, in metallic dark blue. I was so sure about it, that when we got to the dealership I didn't even test drive it. I just walked in and said this is the car I want...END! Few hours later I had turned in my money and the following day I picked up my brand new car, shiny, new car smell and 7 miles on the odometer. I was ecstatic, this car was my freedom, and my first big purchase on my own.

Over the years we've been all over the place, from Atlantic City, Foxwoods, Palisades mall a few times. It commuted my ass to New Paltz for school, Rhinebeck and Staatsburg for work....and it never needed much in terms of maintenance. We'd been in a few minor accidents, just small front end damage...it got fixed and we moved on.

Yesterday, I left for work a little early. I was in a good mood, crossed the Mid-Hudson bridge, through Poughkeepsie, passed the culinary and Marist. The speed limit through the Culinary is 45, most of us drive 50-55. I always drive 5 over the speed limit so I was cruising at about 50mph give or take. I was driving straight on a major road, rte 9 approaching an intersection. As I pulled across the intersection a woman pulled out in front of me in the opposite direction, attempting to make a left onto St. Andrews rd. I had no time to react and I plowed into the back of her car. My airbags deployed and I pulled over to the side of the road. I knew I was fine, majorly shaken up, but fine. She parked on the street she was turning on and her passenger ran over to see if I was alright. I was fine, but even then I knew my car was toast.

I called 911. The cops arrived, the ambulance, and the fire dept. I called my cousin for a tow. I got checked out by the paramedic, short of an elevated heart rate and severe seat belt burn I was fine. When my cousin arrived he confirmed what I already knew, he said, "I think this is it for her this time." I wanted to cry then but I held back. I waited for them to clean up the mess, get our information, and a police/accident report, then I climbed in my cousins flat bed while he loaded up my car.

We talked on the way to the garage, he told me that because the airbags deployed and because it looked like the frame was cracked or bent it was totalled. I was fine until we got there. When he got out of the car I broke down, I don't know if it was stress or this whole my car being totalled thing but I cried and cried until he got back into the truck. He tried to comfort me by telling me the lady was at fault, and that she would have to pay for everything, but it didn't help much. I had a $6000 loan out on that car still, I still don't know if i'm getting anything back. Charles' parents picked me up and brought me to their house where I proceeded to make all my phone calls. My insurance company, her insurance company, and my bank. Round that time I started getting post accident aches and pains. I mostly ignored it, until I went to my house around 4:30.

I had to go get my title, to turn into the insurance company. Once I do that I feel like its going to be official. I don't really want it to be. I love my car...been with me almost 10 years and its like she died in that accident. I'm probably beating myself up thinking its my fault, when I know it isn't. I think i'm just pissed at that lady for being stupid. It's her fault I can't drive my car again.

I started looking at cars today. I had originally been thinking I wanted a RAV4 because the winters in NY are terrible. But, thinking it over I kind of just want another Corolla. Though I know its not going to be the same. I feel like such a baby right now...