We broke up :(

[retty]

Yesterday I decided I needed to have a talk about where our relationship was going. I kinda ambushed him with it and I regret it, and I'd advise anyone wanting to bring up the same subject to forewarn your partner first. I didn't realise it was going to surprise him like it did, but now I realise I definitely placed him on the spot.

Anyway our situation is a little complicated since I live in his country and he lives in the States. He is here visiting right now. Everything was going well until for reasons I won't get into my job here ended early and we decided I would go and live with him for a couple of months in the states as a tourist. Doing that would cost me a lot of money but we thought that it would be great to live together for a while, and I thought this way we could see if we were really a good fit. But I also had to know that there was a way for the relationship to continue after that.

So I asked him about what his plans were. The day before this he kept talking about marriage a lot (not us specifically but how he wants to get married in the future) and then in a restaurant we happened to pass an international couple and their mixed race kids (British and Korean like us) and he got very excited at that. I thought that he was hinting at us getting married...

It turns out he's kinda afraid of marriage. I am too, but if i thought it could work with him and that it would be the only way for us to be together then I would give it a go. Both of our parents are divorced and we both have useless alcoholic fathers that we are scared of turning into, and I know he is worried about becoming like his father. But he also said he cannot marry until he finishes his 3 years of residency (he's a doctor and only a few months into his first year). He thinks his life won't be stable enough until then and that he won't have money to support me if i can't find a job. I agree with this, it would be better to wait until afterwards, and there would be lots of issues we'd have to face (like long work hours, me feeling depressed and isolated and maybe not getting a job right away). I hadn't been thinking we'd get married right away, but i wanted to know it was a possibility, maybe within the next year.

I cannot do this relationship for 3 years long distance, i just can't. Perhaps if he had a normal job it would be doable, but he works 6 days a week for 80+ hours with not much vacation time (and when he does get vacation he wants to visit his family) and there is a time difference to consider. We've done it for 2 months already and it was really really hard, jut a couple of texts a day and one skype call at weekends. So i had to say what i didn't want to say, which was that we should break up. At first he started looking for non-marriage solutions such as me getting an US work visa (impossible) or him transferring to the UK (also not possible really until he finishes his residency). He started talking about abandoning his chosen medical career to do medical research in the UK. He was basically thinking of everything that did not involve marriage. And broke my heart because I know he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but if he really can't consider marriage then there is no hope for us.

I still can't quite believe that this is happening. I doubt I'll ever find someone as amazing as he is. You couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He's not perfect of course but he was so right for me. And now I am heartbroken and for the first time in my life i feel like giving up. I'm so glad I am leaving this country because everything here reminds me of him.

I don't really know why I am posting this here except that it might help comfort other people who break up with their LDR partner. Breaking up when you both still love each other is unbearable and I am sorry if this happens to you too.

[snow]

I personally think you should have cut him some slack. You've been together for 4 months, so planning on getting married might just not be on his mind yet. He said he wanted to get married in the future, but is not ready right now, most likely because he understands that being a resident is an 80+ hour full time job with little to no time to give you the attention you deserve, so he wants to wait.

I'm sorry you had to break up and I hope you take good care of yourself.

[retty]

I personally think you should have cut him some slack. You've been together for 4 months, so planning on getting married might just not be on his mind yet. He said he wanted to get married in the future, but is not ready right now, most likely because he understands that being a resident is an 80+ hour full time job with little to no time to give you the attention you deserve, so he wants to wait.

I'm sorry you had to break up and I hope you take good care of yourself.

You don't think we should have a plan on how to be together? I had to bring it up eventually, it was the elephant in the room. We either get married or we break up. There is no other option. I know we have only been together for 4 months, do you think I should wait until it's been an acceptable amount of time? Waiting won't have changed the fact that we don't have much choice in what to do. And he won't get married for another 3 years. So what am I supposed to do exactly?

[differentcountries]

You don't think we should have a plan on how to be together? I had to bring it up eventually, it was the elephant in the room. We either get married or we break up. There is no other option. I know we have only been together for 4 months, do you think I should wait until it's been an acceptable amount of time? Waiting won't have changed the fact that we don't have much choice in what to do. And he won't get married for another 3 years. So what am I supposed to do exactly?

No, I don't think it is expectant to have a life plan after having known each other for four-five months! My SO proposed after having known me a week, but I also knew that the feeling of finding the one is something different than actually knowing from experience that things are going to work out all right towards a common future. I have seen some people close the distance internationally in less than a year, but that is very rare, especially when people have jobs. After five months I had not yet met his mum, and certainly not planned our whole life together. It is not as simple as marry right away or breat up. You are supposed to be patient and bring things up according to timing, or let him do it. He tried to look for solutions but you saw only I would understand Your frustration if you had dated 3 years With no end in sight, but you are speaking to us international LDRs here - I have already done close to 2 years of international long distance, my boyfriend works even more than yours but earns less so... I have a hard time understanding your reasons.

[Mims27]

I have to agree with snow here. Yes talking about future is ok and somethings are still very uncertain, but god knows what can happen in 5 or 6 months, let alone a year. You guys are only 4 months in. My SO and I had no freakin clue how we would make it happen and some times it looked damn near impossible. Mind you the distance is different, but still. Five and a half years later, and married, we still don't live together. Has it been hard as f*ck? Yes! But also worth every second.

Now, LDR is not for everyone, so maybe it just wasn't for you guys. Who knows. Good luck.

[hmrambling]

Here's my take on it.

Sometimes people use distance as a reason to rush things. The distance, they reason, must be closed and in order to do that, the couple must live together as soon as possible. So, early on they start planning to close the distance and plan how they can be together. By planning to be together right away, the couple bypasses dating and different stages of dating. Sometimes the distance aggravates and hurries people's needs to be together. This was the case of my last LDR.

There was so much angst around the 1300 miles between us, that my partner often brought up how we would close the distance, who would move, and whether I would or would not sell my house to move to be with her. She started discussing moving within a couple of months of us dating. I couldn't fathom dating someone only a couple of months and talking to that person about rearranging my entire life to be together. I would not do that in a normal dating scenario. I have never moved my life to be with anyone. Why would I do so after dating someone for only a couple of months while in a long distance relationship? The subject came up numerous times, and we stayed together just short of a year. The topic of closing the distance brought on anxiety and restlessness. I literally got an upset stomach when she brought up the topic of moving. I became physically ill. Even though I loved her a lot, it was too soon.

I have been dating my current partner for just over 5 months. Neither of us have discussed moving to be with the other. Each of us has our own lives, and we're both pretty established. We make time for each other. We talk every night, and see each other when we can.

I know how the distance can cause people to feel hurried to close the distance. I remind myself to take one day at a time. I remind myself to not hurry things simply because there are miles between us. I remind myself that there are stages in dating and in relationships that I need to go through before I even consider planning a future with anyone. I've heard it said that we should wait for at least every season before we consider planning for a future (winter, spring, summer, and fall). That might be a good rule of thumb. It might not. For me, I can't push for marriage or closing the distance within the first year. Experience has taught me this much.

[Sakuu4]

I don't blame you for breaking up, if that's really think this is the best. I mean,if you two are meant to be together eventually you both will see that you can't stay without the other and try to solve things. But I understand your points. It is true that it is early to be talking about marriage after 4 motths, but I agree with thinking seriously about the future. If she/he doesn't want to spend the life together what's the point in all the efforts you do? It's not about putting pressure, it's about understanding what to do in life. She would have to chose where to live eventually, and this is not something you can do after you find a job and settle down.

Still, I would advice you o try the other options he suggested, maybe they will work out.

[differentcountries]

Doing 2 months of long distance and then breaking up is like starting a new work out regime and complain about the initial work out pains and being tired. And not notice you are getting stronger. Our first two months were horrible, I was even angry at him. And the two after that, after our visit, were even worse - I cried because I had to spend Christmas without hım. We were still newbies with little experience. We did not yet know long distance, or each other. Each of us struggled in our own way with commitment. I was the impatient planner. But I learned soon that throwing ultimatums out there serve little purpose. He has been dissapointed in his life many times and that makes him reluctant to plan, as if not to tempt faith. It is because I take that seriously that we have been able to come up with solutions that work for us, not just me.

Did you ever really ask yourself : What are his dreams? What are his fears? Are there more then one solution to this? Can you take one day -and each month -at a time?

[snow]

I completely understand where you are coming from and I would have broken up with my now husband if he said he didn't want to get married or have children in the future, because this was really important to me, but I didn't need him to say he wanted it right then and there - that's the difference and I hope you understand what I mean. I knew that if we worked out, we would get to the point where we would talk about marriage and children (and about a year into the relationship, we did!)

So I think him saying that he wants to get married in the future is technically what you want, it would only have been a matter of waiting for the right time.

We knew from the beginning that the only two choices were a marriage or work based visa and until he popped the question, I worked on the work visa option, because I was not going to assume he would marry me just to be together with me.