I am absolutely exhausted. I can barely stand to get up without feeling dizzy and lost 7lbs in the hospital bringing me to a grand total of 110 lbs. I have lost all I've been trying to gain and more from my previous surgery. I should be about 126 lbs. I have just spent the last 10 days in hospital. I went in with really bad stomach and back pains. The doctors scanned me and while finding it was an enlarged kidney (most likely some infection) they also found that I now have cysts on my remaining ovary.

I'm such a mix of feelings right now. From the last surgery they said I had so much scar tissue that any surgeries to come would be very difficult, it makes me feel inoperable. Like If I ever have cancer or am in a car accident or have another abscess on my ovary that needs attention I'm shit out of luck. I'm not at the point where I want to think about kids but now that my other ovary is potentially fucked I'm really scared. I got home last night and a commercial came on that my SO said he really liked and it was of little kids playing instruments and I got really upset.

I feel like damaged goods. If for some reason things don't work out with my boyfriend then who would want me? How to do you tell someone your almost barren and might not be able to make babies. I don't want to break up with my SO by any means but our sex life is far less then superior. The last time I had sex is what seemed to trigger this whole thing, I'm sure it wasn't the cause of but it definitely hurt.

I don't know. I am thinking of going home for a bit to see some doctors at home who I have more faith in. The ones here are fucking useless. One came in told me there must be an abscess on my ovary which is why my white blood cell count was so high and they'd have to look at operating then came in minutes later to say never mind. You don't throw assumptions out there. Thats like telling someone their dog died and then going just kidding. Anyway, I want to see my doctor and figure out what is going on. I want this IUD out as well cause the docs here said there was no need to take it out so wont' do it. I'm scared having the IUD was what started this whole mess in the first place.


I want to be better so I can go to Amsterdam next week like my SO and I have planned to do and have a great time and not worry that I can't find travel insurance cause no one in their right mind will cover me. I just want to be normal.