So I was going to write a blog about how I went back country camping for the first time this past weekend with some new friends but then I skyped with my SO today and I can't really get my mind off what he said.

I was telling him about how I really want to go volunteer at an elephant sanctuary in South Africa and about the website I was looking at and how maybe I'd look into the possibility of going late winter/early spring since chances are we'd still be long distance. He looked not so interested when I was telling him and I asked him 'what?' and he said he wasn't thrilled about the idea. He couldn't tell me why, he just said he didn't like it. He tried saying he wants to go on a vacation with me so I asked if he'd be interested in coming. He said no. He said I could catch a bacteria or get kidnapped. He asked what about saving up for when he moves here. Then he said you might fall in love with the elephants and never come back (I might meet someone else perhaps?)

I want to go regardless of what he thinks, but why is it so hard to just fake a smile and say nothing rather then shoot something I was so excitingly talking about.

When he left I was feeling good about things. I sent him an email recently about how I'd like to get to know him more sexually by asking questions to each other so that when we saw each other again maybe that would be better too next time. He agreed. Then I started thinking, should sex and passion be this much work? If it doesn't come naturally anymore will it ever? am I trying to fix something that is too far broken? Then he does this today and I'm back to feeling lost. I don't know what to do. I feel like love should feel differently. A girl at work asked what was holding me to him, and I didn't know how to answer. I want this so badly to work, but why? When did I become so weak?