Anyway, that's how the thing goes on:
But ooooh no. It can't stop there, can it? This morning (again, as I was getting ready to go to work. What's up with the timing here?) my mother came to me to tell me that she did tell her friend, who apparently got excited and demanded to know everything about my mysterious man as soon as my mother knew. So obviously my mother feels bad for lying. Which she shouldn't, because fuck those people. Anyway, the "friend" also saw fit to tell her this little detail about this guy: That he is a good little Muslim boy who prays and everything. Ok, first of all, I KNEW that already, just by a quick glance at his Facebook page. He had 'liked' some page about some religious show, and you know, that's one of the reasons that made me go all "eww gross get away from me" but naturally I couldn't tell my mother that. And I didn't particularly want to tell her about it also because she is very religious and a guy being religious is kind of a turn-on for her (well, that came out wrong, but you got the drift.) So naturally she went into full nagging mode about how, if the guy's religious then nothing else matter, and love comes after marriage and my reasons for rejecting him were shallow, and it was a missed opportunity and there will be a point, soon, where there won't be anymore opportunities. Thanks mom, that does warm the heart. I kinda ignored her and told her to drop it, and then later at work my sister called me to tell me about how my mother, finding herself alone with her, started complaining to her about me, and told her all those things all over again, and how she's really upset, angry even, and you know, enough stuff to make me want to spend the night in the office.
So, initially I didn't want to make a blog post about this. I wanted to keep things to myself. I did make a thread about it in a different forum where people come from a similar background to mine (ex-muslims) and... well, to be honest, I didn't like the reactions. I'm not one of those people who go on forums expecting to hear what they want to hear, but in such a delicate time, having people telling me not to do what I intend to do, to leave for Finland first and tell them later, that really made me feel like crap. It's not like I haven't thought long and hard about this. Hell, I have thought of nothing else for well over four years now. I don't want to damage my relationship with my parents beyond repair. I don't want to make my sister suffer the consequences of my actions. I don't want to hurt my parents by disappearing in thin air and have them be so shocked because they never saw it coming and had no inkling what my intentions were. I love them and want to have them in my life. Of course there is a risk that they might take the news so badly that they would try to stop me at all cost. By taking away my passport, putting huge psychological pressure on me to break things off with my SO, maybe even lock me up at home temporarily, who knows? I've never been in this situation, and neither have they. But I know that they aren't the kind who would consider honour-killing for instance. I know that realistically they can't keep me from going out and going to work because I'm not a child, and they are just two people who are getting old (62 and 69 years old) and I have support from friends (local friends) and relatives. So I don't want to leave without giving them a chance to understand. I'm not making my decision to move to Finland dependent on their approval (the decision has already been made, before I even married the guy.) I just want to give it a try because I can't see myself living in Finland, cut off from my family and crying myself to sleep every night because I miss them so much. So what I meant by this last paragraph isn't that I don't want you people to give me advice or opinions that are contrary to what I want to hear. I just want you to understand, and I know that you can understand because you seem (most of you at least) to have loving, supportive parents.
So anyway, all this rambling and I'm still not sure what to do. I wanted initially to give her the letter this morning, but turns out she was going out all day, so she wouldn't read it until possibly after I came home. Same for tomorrow. Not sure about Wednesday because it's very close to the weekend and I'd rather give her some time to cool off and gauge her reaction before spending two days at home with her (I never go out on Friday, and rarely on Saturday.) So maybe Sunday morning before I go to work. But then, I'm not looking forward to another weekend of avoiding being alone with her, failing and enduring her nagging and not knowing what to say. I'm so tired just thinking about it.
I'll probably write more on the subject later. That's all the writing I can do for now. Looking forward to the feedback.
Is there a way you could take the letter, your mother and your sisters somewhere outside of home for a day or two and deal with this once and for all? Maybe your mum would be more receptive to things when she's not at home? I dont know that, I'm just guessing. But when I think about it and if I had to do the same I think having just the women of your life with you and them supporting you would maybe help your mother to see how much you love Timo and how serious you are about him. Maybe she would UNDERSTAND that you want to follow your heart?
I'm sorry you're going through this. Its such a difficult situation. I think that you'll have to tell her soon because the stress of all this is not good for your health! Hang in there my friend <3
Mlle: For now my passport is at the French consulate for visa processing. Once I get it back I'm going to put it in a safe at our accounting department (I'm used to giving my accountant coworker stuff to keep there) with instruction not to give the envelope to anyone but me. He's a very good friend of mine and very discrete.
Tanja: that could be a good idea but honestly in practice I don't think it would go over too well.
I realized today that my mother is going to be working all week next week, and since I don't think I should give her the letter tomorrow morning, I will have to delay it until ten days from now. I know I'm delaying the inevitable but I promise not to do it any later than Sunday after next. In fact she is still stewing over the missed marriage opportunity and I want to give her an excuse to cool down. So at least now I can relax a bit since she doesn't seem so intent on bringing it up now, judging from last night (she's being a bit cold towards me).