So it continues.

I don't think I have any right to say "I'm tired of this" yet, right? I mean, it's barely been a week...

Anyway, a little recap about the last few days:

So, back to Wednesday, which was the day after, and also the day of my last blog entry. That evening after work wasn't very pleasant, even though nothing happened. My mother mostly ignored me, only talked to me when necessary, and it was as if there was a wall between us. I was content with that, I suppose, because I was fearing a confrontation.

The day after, my younger sister told me that my mother had talked to her again on Wednesday evening again and told her that she was very upset because she could see no positive outcome for me. That basically means that there's no way I could get what I want, and since I won't then I will be single my whole life. She said that she absolutely refuses to tell my father, and that if he learned about the situation he "might kill me." I was very reluctant to share this piece of information with you people, but I'll get back to that. Anyway, she also went on about how Finland is such a remote place (I never told her that I've been there) and that we know nothing of this guy and his family, and so it was just crazy to consider moving there. The only solution is for me to give up on this relationship and cut my losses.

Naturally that was very hard for me to hear, even though it sounds silly because what else did I expect, right? I spent most of that day fighting back tears (not very successfully half the time.)

When I got home from work my mother was in a better mood than the day before, quite chatty and affectionate, which I interpreted as her having psyched herself up into thinking she could still "save me" and make me change my mind.

On Friday morning (Friday/Saturday being weekends where I live) after my father went out she came to me looking all sick and depressed and said that she hoped I wouldn't do anything rash or devastating (she was hugging me as she said it) and I told her that I wasn't going to run away, and that I wasn't going to do anything that might harm her or my family. I know that she was alluding to my missing passport. My sister confirmed that she had been frantically looking for it and when she realized it wasn't at home she freaked out thinking I was planning an escape. What I said seemed to have reassured her somewhat and she started talking to me, as usual.

As I said before, over the years I have become (unwillingly, sometimes) my mother's confidante. It's almost like she can't get through the day without talking to me. I guess this is part of the reason why she is taking all of this so hard. She hadn't had any of her regular conversations with me for three days, and so when I said what I said on Friday morning she went right back to where she had stopped, telling me about my eldest sister, my aunt's living situation, the latest about my cousin's wedding preparations, and general family gossip. It was like release for her. Honestly I was happy to have this kind of normalcy back with her. It made the day go really well. I was able to get some mental rest from all the stress. But then, as time went on, it seemed obvious that my "problem" was back on her mind. Not that she brought it up at any point.

On Saturday I left home quite early because I had a dentist's appointment. Also, I didn't go back home that day. You see, we live in a relatively new, internet-less apartment, and we have for three years, but we also have an older, smaller apartment downtown, with an internet connection, where I sometimes go to spend the night with my sisters when my father is tired of driving us to and from work. So since he was going to put the car in for repair that day we decided we would spend the night there since it's just a short bus-ride from there to my place of work. Once out of the house I learned that my mother is really counting on my younger sister to talk to me on her behalf and make me change my mind. She told her to make it clear for me that she could never consent to the relationship, and that she couldn't tell my father, and that I should just forget about it.

So that's where I'm standing right now. I know that I shouldn't give up yet because it is all very new for my mother and that time is as effective as words to make one accept things or change their minds. I am fully aware of that. But she won't talk to me. When I am home with her, my father is there so I can't freely talk to her.

Also, about my father. He is a bit of a nutcase. He is my dad, and I love him, but he hasn't been the best father there is. He yells a lot. He will not listen to people, even when they're agreeing with him he acts as if they're contradicting him. He is a know-it-all who thinks everyone is stupid and don't know what they're talking about. He is very close-minded when it comes to many, many things. He is adamantly against marriage of an Algerian woman with a foreigner (especially a "white" man). He was devastated when two of his nieces (from different siblings) chose to marry (respectively) an Englishman and a Paraguayan, but he couldn't say anything against it (openly) so he just strengthened his resolve that it would never happen to him. Last but not least, he is physically abusive to his daughters (never his wife, though.) Or at least used to be. It was his way of "raising us to be good people" when we were growing up. But it also happened a lot for the stupidest reasons, in pure fits of rage. And I also admit that he beat me up a little over a year ago. I was 29 then, so it wasn't like he was "disciplining" me. It was just rage because he thought I was "disrespecting" him by walking away from him when he was yelling at me. There. I said it.

It's not something I am ashamed of. At least not anymore. But I suspect I don't really know what he could do at his worst. When my mother said he might kill me, I know she was being overly dramatic, to drive the point home that it was all a bad idea, but I'm also not entirely sure that he wouldn't do it. I'm not talking about cold-blooded murder, like you read in the newspapers, about those "honour killings". I'm talking about spur-of-the-moment actions that he would bitterly regret afterwards. Also if he doesn't kill me, it's just as likely that he would do something to himself. Like drive his car into a ditch, or bang his skull against the wall until it bursts open. He's that kind of guy, you know. I blame the fact that he is the product of generations of inbreeding (cousins marriage)

My SO is aware of all this, and apparently that is a bad thing. At least according to my sisters and to some friends of mine. Algerians like to cling to the idea that parents have lots of rights over you, and that no matter what happens you mustn't tell your partner/husband about your parents' shortcomings because he might use it against you eventually (?!) so when my sisters found out that Timo was aware of the craziness and the abuse they were disgusted with me. Because somehow it's always your fault, you know.

Also I'm not feeling that much support from my sisters. The eldest is way too self-centered and somehow even my problems become about her. The youngest two I thought I could count on (they are the ones who pushed me to do it in the first place) but now I feel like they're siding with my mother. The way they act around me makes me feel like I'm clinically insane. Like they are being careful not to say what they truly think. They seem shocked that I'm depressed over what's happening because they think I should have seen it coming. I did see it coming, but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. They don't feel much sympathy for me. I feel so lonely. My husband's and his family's support doesn't weigh much against all this.

All I wanted was to be happy with the man I love. I didn't want to destroy my family or cause my parents' death, like my mother seems to think. And now I don't know what to do.

See, this right here is the exact reason I chose to marry my boyfriend without telling anyone. I knew that if I came out with the relationship to my family I would break under the stress, and end things with Timo. Now that I'm married I can't do that. I mean even if I wanted a divorce, in Finland you have to wait two years after getting married to be granted one. I knew that I needed to have this "wall" to have my back against when the time comes. And it has come now.

Just one last thing: I have spoken about the abuse, and I know it sounds horrific to you, but please don't tell me "your father is an asshole, grab your things and go now!" I know what my father is. I have known this all along, and it still lead me to handle things the way I did. I still won't run away. At least not for now.