Back to private blogging, because this is not at all about religion, but about me. I fear I don't have time or energy to write more about how Islam is ruining my life, because I need to talk about my life, too.

So last I blogged, I had finalized the letter in response to my mother's. Well that wasn't really true at the time because I re-wrote it again, and again, making as nice as possible. Turns out it was still too hostile for her taste.

I left it on her bed as I was leaving for work on Wednesday morning, and then I didn't hear anything from her on the subject for three days. I asked my sisters and it turned out she hadn't talked to them about me either, so I was worried she might write me another letter, and I frankly I was tired of writing. In the meantime, she was barely cordial with me. Never talking to me unless she had to, and when she did it was like she was talking to a stranger, a guest under her roof. It hurt me more than I was willing to admit to myself, but I didn't want to bring it up.

On Friday afternoon, after my father went out, she came to my room and served me a speech that she had been apparently preparing for a long while. It was basically the same stuff that was in her letter, about how it's impossible for me to marry him. She said that I had given them an ultimatum but I would be the one who would lose, in the end, because he would not wait for me, he'd get married and have children, and I'd be left behind, single and infertile, with nothing in my life. She said "of all the men around you, you had to pick one who lives all the way in Finland while knowing that I had warned you that we would not let you marry a foreigner". She also plainly said "I DO NOT WANT A FOREIGNER IN MY FAMILY." The kicker was when she asked me for "this person's" phone number because she wanted to talk to him and make him understand how our "family worked" and why he had to let me go. I refused, naturally.

I tried to argue with her but it was like talking to a brick wall, you know. So I just stayed silent until I lost it. When she started making it like I was ruining her life, instead of vice-versa, that her pain was greater than mine, that because of me she would no longer sleep easy at night knowing what she knew, I started screaming at her and crying. Not for long. I told her I refused to discuss the subject with her. I also told her that I found it despicable the way she had been treating me for the last couple of days, then I locked myself in my room.

Half an hour later she came back in, crying her eyes out, and she started hugging me, telling me how much she loved me and how she never wants to lose me. It wasn't really part of her guilt-tripping me, because it was heart-felt. I think she was trying to apologize for how she'd been interacting with me. I hugged her back and told her it was ok and we didn't have to talk about it for now. After that our relationship basically went back to how it was before. Well, not exactly how it was, but not as awkward.

It feels like everything is on standby now. And I guess it is. She will wait for me to give up on him, and she won't bring him up. And she certainly won't tell my father. I guess it's just as well.

I'm just finding it hard to cope, though. I'm very happy about my upcoming trips, and things are fine with Timo. He keeps reassuring me of his support and that he won't give up on us and will wait as long as it takes. But that kinda makes it even harder. I want to go so bad.

What makes it a thousand times worse is that we have heard from the immigration office and I have been granted a one-year residence permit. I should retrieve it from the embassy in a couple of weeks. When I heard I broke down crying, and not from happiness. It has just been so easy. It took slightly less than the average announced four months, and they didn't ask for any additional document or info. It feels like such a waste, and I'm not talking about the money I forked out when I applied.

I'm not only feeling negativity as far as the permit is concerned. At least now I know it won't take that long for my next application to be processed. But that's about it.

So I'm trying to be strong and stick to what I said I would do, but I can't really see an end to it. And I'm so bitter about not being able to close the distance when I hoped I would. It's just a hard time I'm going through.

It'll get better.