Hm. So basically, I'm absolutely in love with him. We've been together for about a year and a half (it'll officially be 1 1/2 years on June 22). He's the best I could ever ask for. My second "real" relationship, that I wish was my first.
Lately, it seems I've been hit by the whole wanting to be engaged/married bug. -_- It's annoying. I know for a fact neither of us aren't ready, and I've posted saying the same thing on a few threads on here as I give advice. I'm unemployed, while going to school, and he just started a new job a few months ago, but he's got a lot of debt. Not to mention neither of us live on our own. But, needless to say, I still can't stop thinking about it. It's hard for me to turn it off.
I know that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm pretty sure he feels the same, though we've vaguely talked about engagement/marriage, very vaguely. We know we're definitely moving in with each other, when we can, which probably won't be until I'm done with school (again that won't be for at least 3 years). He's said to me in conversation, that if he were to get engaged to someone (didn't say me, again, the vagueness), that he would want to be living with them first. I've flat out told him in my emails that I'd love to be engaged to him/marry him someday. I know he's a little hesitant after being engaged once before. His engagement, however, was short lived and he basically admitted to me that it was pretty much only because he was in Iraq and he wanted someone waiting for him when he came home from his deployment.
This bothers me. Not in the sense that I'm worried he'll never want to marry me or get married at all, because I've flat out asked him if he would get engaged again and wanted to be married and he said yes. It bothers me because I wish I could be his first/only. Granted, being the last is the most important, but his ex was so terrible to him and I'm jealous and angry at her for wasting it, and taking advantage of him. They constantly broke up the first time they were together because she cheated on him multiple times and told everyone back here in the States, while he was in Iraq serving our country, that he was a terrible boyfriend and terrible person. Then, when they got back together a few years later, she did the same thing. Not to mention, she had a baby with another guy she was dating before they got back together, and then got knocked up by my SO when my SO and her were together (she had theirs aborted). He gave her so many chances and she ruined them all, and it irks me that she was able to call herself his fiancee when she did not deserve it, not in the least bit. He knows all of this, because I've told him in one of my emails where I admitted I wanted to marry him someday.
I have a lot of animosity towards her because of how she treated him when they were together, I really don't understand why she did because he always tried hard to show her that he loved her. Plus, when we first started dating (we met maybe 5 - 6 months after he ended it completely) she would call him all the time saying she missed him and still loved him, text him all the time, leave him voice messages, show up at his house unannounced, drive by his house/neighborhood. Mind you, she lives a good 20 mins away, and there are NO bars in his area that she would go to because he lives in the boonies of Philly. Maybe she would go to this one bar that's close to his house, but to get to his house she'd have to go out of the way, not close to the highway, plus all of his friends go there and they hate her. Especially since she tried to hook up with one them while she and my SO were together. Then, when she was finally talking to other guys, she would text him about it (almost as if she were trying to make him jealous), all while she knew we were together and how important I am to him. Creepily enough, she's stalked my Facebook, as she mentioned to him that she "knew" what I looked like. Yea, I blocked her after I heard that.
Yes, he's told her numerous times he doesn't want her in his life and that he doesn't want to be a part of her life.
She's even tried to start drama between my SO and her current bf. She thinks my SO still has feelings for her.
Yes, she's "one of those."Yes, I am jealous of their history together, I'll admit that openly. Of course I would be. She was able to meet his father, his mother, his aunt, and his uncle (all were/are extremely important to him), who are all now deceased. I will never get the chance to meet them. She was "with" him when he was deployed. I'll never know what that's like. Part of the reason he even agreed to date me was because he thought I would be able to handle his next deployment (which got cancelled, it was scheduled for Jan 2014). I almost wanted that deployment to prove to him that I wouldn't be like her and stay faithful, because that was a big issue he was worried about before we started dating. He has extreme trust issues with women, being that he's been cheated on many times in almost all of his relationships...except ours. He does tell me all the time that he's extremely happy with me, and relishes in the fact that he knows he can trust me 100% (or at least, as close to 100% as someone with trust issues can). He tells me that he never worries about me when I'm home. He knows I don't put myself in situations that would ever cause him to be concerned. I make an extra effort knowing his past. Again, he knows all of this because I have told him. I'm very open with him about a lot of things.
I had even asked him if his ex spoiled getting engaged for him, and he replied, "She didn't spoil it at all, she spoiled me giving another woman a chance, but obviously you changed that." So, that makes me extremely happy.
Another thing that makes me happy, is that he has kind of started talking about getting married. He's said that he wouldn't mind if I "assumed" things with him.
My past history being that my ex promised me he was going to marry me, and all that jazz, for 5 years. So, I assumed that me and my ex were going to get married because he was my first real relationship. All while breaking up with me when he felt like it, so he could be "friends" with other girls I didn't approve of (because they blatantly had feelings for him, and he led them on/flirted with them constantly). The last girl he did this to me with, which is why we ultimately broke up, he is now engaged to. -_- With the style of ring that I always told him I wanted (he's very unoriginal. His efforts were always making me pick out what I liked while he paid for it. Our Valentine's Days were always "here's my debit card, go order yourself some flowers."). Not to mention, every day he put me down saying I was lazy, a jealous B---H or a jealous C--t, whichever word he felt like using that day. Also, that no one else would want me because of these qualities. I believed him the entire duration of our relationship, and even for a couple months after we broke up. Probably because he was still manipulating me all the time, texting me he missed me and saying that if I "changed" we'd get back together. He also used me for sex a few times after we broke up too. He even did this while he was with the girl he left me for. Stupid me at the time. Oh well. I honestly thought he loved me and that he was right about me. There were other things in our relationship that were very off too, but that's another blog in itself maybe. Good thing I have my ex blocked on everything.
My SO has obviously changed the views that I have about myself.
So, I obviously don't take talking about marrying my SO or engagements, and all that, lightly. He very recently told 2 of his best friends, "Don't be surprised if I marry her in a couple years." Which, again, is very huge for him. They know his history, and were with him during the deployment when he was engaged to his ex. I'm taking the little things he says as signs that he, does in fact, want to marry me someday. Another time that clued me in, was when a friend of ours was talking about having kids with her bf at the time, and he said, "Well, when we have kids, if we have a boy, we're naming him after me. And, if we have another boy, we're naming him John (anyone who's seen my post in the thread about Baby Names, you'll know why, lol)," without me saying anything about it during their conversation. She replied, "You guys already talk about having kids?!!" He said, "Well, why wouldn't we? We've been together for so long, of course we're going to talk about it and think about it." I didn't even have a chance to respond because he replied back to her so quickly. We talk about who his groomsmen are going to be and I always joke that I'm not going to have enough bridesmaids to match up. And, we constantly talk about growing old together. We have also said, and agreed, that if we were to get engaged, we would be living together first and be financially ready/stable.
I guess my issue is, that I'd love for him to just come out and say it. I would love for him to flat out tell me he wants to marry me some day. But, I know him, and I know he's not too good at expressing himself with words. He did that with his ex (he used to post all over Facebook, and whatnot, about her when he was in Iraq) and it backfired. So, I understand. Plus, he tells me he changed a lot after he came back, personality wise. So I try to take the little things he says here and there and apply them, but it's also hard because I'm the type of person that needs to hear it sometimes in order to feel secure. I mean, I do feel secure about our future, but I'm sure anyone would agree that sometimes it's nice to hear it. Just like you know your SO loves you, but sometimes you like hearing them say it.
It makes it that much more wonderful. Even better is when they show it.I also worry that he feels that I may be pressuring him when I write to him about wanting to be his wife someday. But, I think that I word it right. If he felt like I was pressuring him, he would tell me. He's that type of person. I always say that it would be nice someday and that I can't help but think about it because our relationship is so great and he makes me so happy. Maybe it could be why he's starting to open up about it because he knows I'm in it for the long run, and I'm looking forward to our life together. I always tell him that I'll be here for him forever, as long as he wants me.
Also, I tell him that I'll never stop trying to make him happy. I'm always coming up with ways to show him. I bake for him (I made macarons for his birthday and they came out beautiful) I cook for him, I do his laundry/iron his uniforms when he's at work, I tidy up his room when he's at work, I give him cards for everything (lol), I write him the email/love letters, I'm even thinking of making him a "52 Reasons Why I love you" deck of cards craft thing I found on Pinterest, and I'm thinking of getting some songs together that make me think of him and recording me singing them all and showing him.
Ooh, and the other night I wrote him a super, super, long email describing how I felt the first time we met in person, our first real date together, and when he asked me to become an official couple. I thought it was really sweet, I don't know if he read it yet because the service on the base he's at for training is spotty.I really hope he doesn't think I'm pressuring him. I don't think I've talked it about it a lot in comparison to all the times I've written to him. I never want him to feel pressured. If he wants to do it, he'll do it, and I'm okay with that. I love our relationship the way it is right now, I wouldn't trade it for anything, unless it becomes even more spectactular. Lol.
I don't know how to get him to say it without him feeling like I'm pressuring him, plus I probably never would try to get him to say it.
Another annoying factoid: I know a lot about diamonds and have even considered going to the GIA school to become a gemologist because I'm fascinated by diamonds. So, I would love to share my knowledge with him, not just if he buys me (or anyone else, should this not work out) an engagement ring, but if he decided to buy diamond jewelry in general (I would never in a million years, ever, ask him for anything remotely close. I don't even like when he buys me presents. I don't like him spending money on me because I know he doesn't have a lot, and he should be focusing on paying off his debts, than spending money on me.). But, I would also not know how to share my knowledge without seeming pushy.
Ahh, I don't know. I ramble a lot and I write a lot.
I just love him.
I love writing my LDR love letters, too, and he would wish so much he was with me but he doesn't think he can make a relationship work in our situation and gave up. I am disappointed in him. For someone who used to take the time to talk to me 24/7, Skype with me 6 hours his actions appeared to be he would do anything for me at first but he won't drive the 16 hours total to and back every other weekend.
I'm writing an adventures book now about it making up things obviously that never came true. The most important thing to me was that if other people may not have liked my writing I didn't care because the one person who it was to the most liked my writing when he read my love notes to him. It wasn't creepy things, but romantic things if people actually bothered to read it that's what everyone has told me who actually read it.
The only reason I was one for him is because he never said he wasn't interested in me as person. When we used to talk, he'd always tell me how much fun we would have in person if only we could hang out but we weren't in a great situation to make a long distance happen and he gave up. I got so mad there is someone out there for me finally but he won't put in the efforts to make it happen. I'd rather he have told me he didn't like me as a person just so I know this is nothing I can change but he never said anything like that. He said he doesn't want a long distance but he wants me. I'm like, well that can't happen unless he tries a long distance. I usually move on really fast if someone says they just aren't interested in me as a person, but knowing someone is out there for me and he won't do anything about it tho, that makes me sad and upset. Oh well, hopefully we'll be able to work out in the future. For now, I'm talking to local people again.