Like maybe we'll do it once when I'm there for the weekend, even when I'll stay for like 4 days, but he'll get his stuff. It seems like he's always tired too. I'm almost positive it's because of the job, because it's so physically and emotionally draining (basically, he babysits prisoners all day, who test his patience and call him names).We've gotten into a couple fights this week, which we basically never fight, and I wrote to him about how I've been feeling. He said he read it and he wasn't mad. I basically told him that I noticed he's been different and asked if there was something wrong. I even mentioned that, even though I think it's just because of the job, that sometimes I feel like it's me too. Like, when we're together, sometimes I feel like he'd rather be alone. Especially, after what he said this week, that he'd rather spend his days off alone and didn't want me to come down. Of course, it hurt my feelings and that's what prompted the first argument. But, I did tell him then that I felt like we haven't been talking much and that he didn't want me around, prior to the email.
I told him that we haven't had time together. "Good time" is what I said. What I mean by that is quality time, basically. His schedule is weird and he doesn't have set days off, like every weekend or something. It's whatever they give him, it could be during the week, or not. One day, or more. He started in April and immediately started training at the prison, it was only M-F then and the shifts alternated between 6AM - 2PM one week, and 2PM - 10PM another week. Then, he started the academy and was gone M - F there, for 4 weeks. He got to come home on the weekends, but the weekends were mostly spent with him sleeping and me doing his laundry when I was there. He graduated in the middle of May and started officially after that. So, sometimes when I'm there, I'm actually there while he's at work, and I wait for him to come home. His shift has been 2PM - 10PM, but it's going to switch right after my birthday to 6AM - 2PM. He wakes up, gets ready for work, goes to work, comes home, eats, and then he's up for maybe an hour - three hours, and then he goes to bed. He's not allowed to have his phone on him in the prison at all, so for 8 hours, I don't hear from him. We don't really talk before he goes to work, and we get some time in when he comes home.
Then, in June, he went away for 3 weeks with the military for annual training. We didn't talk much for those three weeks, so he could save his battery, and the service wasn't that great. Now, since he's been home, it's the work thing, then when he does come home from work, he's just wanted to go out to the bar a lot. So, when I'm there waiting for him, he'll text me on his way home to tell me to get dressed because we're going out. When we get home from the bar, we eat, and he goes to sleep.
I mean, I understand he needs/wants time to unwind and relax, but I miss him. I miss our time together. I even told him that in the email. I told him he feels distant.
I'm almost afraid that maybe he wants to break up or something. This past weekend we had together, it got a little better, but then he told me he wanted time alone after I got home. He told me that he was "starting to get sick of people", but then that night he went out with his friends. So, I got mad and said, "But you're hanging out with your friends..." And he got mad at me and said that it was different, that if he was going to go out, it was going to be with "his boys that know how it is." That's when I first told him how I felt.
I don't know. I know that he kept stressing to me that his job has a high divorce rate when he started working officially. I don't know what he was trying to tell me. I mean, if I was willing to continue to date him, knowing that he was supposed to be deployed to Afghanistan, I'm pretty sure I can handle him working at the prison. As long as he makes the effort to communicate with me. Which is not one of his strong points, and I've told him that.
Our friend (who is more my friend now because she and I got really close) thinks I should talk to him more about the email, after I suggested to her that maybe I should ask him flat out if there's something wrong.
He's still acting kinda weird, but it's also only been a few days.
I asked her if she thinks it could be because he's trying to distance himself, so he doesn't spill the beans about the "surprise" he has for me for my birthday, since she knows what it is. But, she said she doesn't know. She thinks it's just him stressing about the job since she knows about it too.
I feel dumb for doubting, but since he's not been acting himself, I can't help it.
I don't want to seem clingy to him, or make him feel like I'm smothering him, which I mentioned to him in the email. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I still like he could be mad though, but that could also be because I overthink things wayyyyyy too much. Ugh.Anxiety ftw!