Well, last Friday I kind of got into it with my SO and went off on him. What set me off was the fact that he had gone out with his friend (the one that he was "supposed to date"), and obviously I was jealous and mad about it. But, the real kicker was that he had ignored me the night before and then when he finally texted me, it was Friday night after he got off work, and he apologized for ignoring me and said that he work was annoying him more than usual. I asked him why, and to tell me. For 2 hours I didn't hear a word from him again. Finally, he called me and told me that he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to blatantly ignore me again because he had gone out to dinner with his friend, so I asked him who (kind of rudely because I was so annoyed at that point) and then he told me who it was and then I really went off on him. I kept interrupting him while he was trying to talk and told him how upset I was that he went out to dinner with her, how he never talks to me about his problems, and pretty much ignores me lately. He seemed upset while I was yelling at him, but he kept quiet and didn't yell or anything. We hung up and I started texting him. I apologized for going off on him the way I did, because I did feel bad...it kind of came out of no where and I never blow up like that. I told him in the texts that I was upset that he can talk to everyone, but me. And, that he can sit there and have conversations with his friends and text them/message them and give them long replies and I barely get 2 words from him. I told him that it hurt that he couldn't talk to me. He couldn't tell me why he wasn't able to talk to me like he does with his friends. I asked him if it was because he was afraid I was going to be like his exes and leave him, and that if he had any dark thoughts to not be afraid to tell me, because I'm here for him. I also told him that I was pissed he hung out with Kristen because I didn't think she liked me (which I said when we were on the phone, but apparently she does like me and "only has good things to say" about me, though I find that hard to believe), and I still wasn't comfortable with him hanging out with her, even though they've been friends for over 10 years, because of the fact that they were "supposed to date." After I texted him, I went to bed.
The next day, I wrote him this long email. I basically repeated what I said to him in the texts, but went into more detail. I also told him how I've been feeling lately, how I've been paranoid every time we talk, or I come over, that he's going to break up with me. I told him that every time he gets a text, or a message from someone, that I'm constantly worried that it's a girl and that he's going to cheat on me, and that it hurt for me to feel that way since I'd never felt that way before. But, with how things have been the past few months, and how iffy we've been, I couldn't help but feel that way. I told him things that I'd been feeling since we started dating, how he's always so wishy washy about things that he says to me and how he's always going from saying "when" we get married/get a place together to "if" those things happen. I told him I knew that everything was more than likely his PTSD/Anxiety/Depression that was the main cause of everything, because when he's not depressed, we're great together. I told him that I thought he needed to get professional help, because he does. Not to be medicated, or that he's crazy, but for the fact that he needs to talk to someone who knows how to manage the type of stress he's going through. Ways to cope with his problems.
Onto the good things...kind of.
A few days went by, and I wasn't sure if he read my email and I didn't really bring it up. Then he tells me that "next time I come down, we need to have a long talk." Which, to that, I got nervous because I started thinking that it was going to be the end. A couple more days go by, and on Thursday he went out to the bar after work to celebrate his dad's birthday (his dad passed away 4 years ago, but he has this tradition he goes out and drinks his dad's favorite beer, Coor's Light, even though my SO actually hates that beer). I told him that I was pretty nervous about coming down, and he knew why, so he called me on his way home. He told me that I really have nothing to worry about and that he wasn't planning on breaking up with me, and that it was actually the opposite. And, though he wanted to have our talk face-to-face, he ended up talking a little about what he wanted to talk about to set my mind at ease. He told me that he's had a couple revelations the past couple weeks, and ever since I went off on him and sent him the email.
He said that he's opened his eyes and realized that everything has been his fault lately and nothing is on me. That he realized how much of an asshole he's been to me, and that he knew he had been treating me like complete shit and even said that he knew that he was probably treating me the way that my ex did (partly true). He told me that he's really realized how much I do for him, how I stick it out with him, and that he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. He told me that he realized, for real, that I'm literally the greatest thing that's ever happened to him and that he would be a complete idiot to fuck things up between us and lose me. He said that he's no longer going to take things for granted (he mentioned how he took his dad, his aunt, his mom, and his uncle for granted and he wishes they were alive again), which he meant mainly me. He told me that when I'm with him, things are 1000% better and that he gets down and those thoughts come back when I'm gone, and that when I'm with him he can actually sleep through the night, instead of being awake and tossing and turning. He also says that he knows it's his PTSD and what not, just like I thought it was. He kept telling me that he's a basket case and knows that he needs to get help, but he's afraid/ashamed to (as most veterans are). He seemed to be really worried that I'm not going to be able to handle it and stick it out with him any longer because he's afraid I'm going to like his exes and leave/cheat on him. Especially since this is actually the second time we're going through this, just the first time it wasn't as bad as it is this time and he actually opened up to me.
He kept saying how he could get worse, because he said he's been worse than this, and that he didn't know how long it could last this time. He said that part of the reason why this time it's worse is because of his job. He told me that it doesn't help that he has one of the stressful jobs in America (Corrections Officer) and that he's a veteran, which he kept reminding me that his job has the one of the highest divorce rates, along with military marriages.
I don't really know how to get him to trust that I'm not going anywhere. Like, even with all this stuff, I still want to be with him because when he's happy, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know that this is something that he can't help, and I'm not going to hold that over him. That's what happens when you come home from war and being a combat veteran. Not to mention all the shit that he went through when he came home. His terrible ex that he was engaged to, his dad passed away in 2010, his mom and uncle passed away in 2011, and his aunt passed away in 2012. Four important people in his life gone in 2 years, all right after he got home from Iraq. So, he has PTSD from war, and PTSD from the deaths of these people.
I'm not going to lie, I have thought about breaking up with him before, but that's also because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. He wouldn't tell me. I thought he was cheating on me because he wanted that "break" and to have options to see other girls. Which, the break, if we're even still on it, is a fucking joke. It like didn't even last a couple days. Which we talked about when he called me, and I even told him flat out that it was kind of stupid and it didn't even work because he still wanted to see me and talk to me.
At least now, if this happens again after we get through this rough patch, I'll know what it is and I'll be better prepared. This time I was so distraught because I had no idea. The first time it happened, I didn't know until after the fact and things had already gotten better.It's not easy being with a veteran with PTSD and I know that. I'm apart of some support groups on Facebook for veterans and their families, so I've seen what they go through and everyone helps each other and supports each other.
I don't know. I really do love him, and I really can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, if he'll let me in.
We still have a lot more to talk about, and I actually started making a check list of things I wanted to bring up because I always forget. Lol. I'm also going to bring up that he really needs to have more faith in our relationship if he actually wants us to work, because all this negativity shit is annoying me. I'm not like his exes, I'm not like most girls. I told him that flat out when we first started talking, and it's just now starting to sink in to him for real.