Things are rocky again. He says we need to talk about some things next time I come down, but couldn't tell me when he wanted to see me, so yesterday I told him I'm coming down next weekend because it's driving me crazy (I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks). I don't know what happened. We were fine, and then out of the blue he changed again. I'm preparing myself for the worst because I'm a pessimist.
Although, he did tell me the other day that he finally called the VA and set up an appointment that's in March, so I'm wondering if that has to do with part of what he wants to talk about. I had asked him if I needed to bring a box when I come down, when he first told me we needed to talk, and he said he didn't know. So, I have no idea what that means. My brother is pissed and told me flat out that he hates my SO now. So, that's fun.
We still talk and tell each other we love each other, but he's obviously distant and I've spaced myself (my defense mechanism and I'm trying to give him space).
It really is hard being with someone who has PTSD. Anything can trigger it, and this time I don't know if it's the PTSD.
It sucks because I still have him on a pedestal, but at the same time, I am getting frustrated. All the research I've done on PTSD and veterans tells me this is really common with them and that they always tend to blame everyone else. So, we'll see what happens. I may come back here single, or not.
My brother said him wanting to talk could only mean two things: he's proposing or we're breaking up. I told him there's no way he's proposing, so...I don't know. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I also don't want to get my hopes up because I've done so many times before with my SO and my ex, and have been let down before.
I did find an article the other day about exes and why they're your ex for a reason because my SO doesn't understand why it pisses me off that he still answers his ex sometimes when she texts him (after telling me how much he hates her and can't stand her and wants her out of his life), and then the day after was when he told me we needed to talk. I know sometimes I have a hard time letting things go, and I hold grudges, but it's mostly because I feel like people don't understand my points and don't care, so I continuously bring them up. The way my SO is that he doesn't really like to talk about issues when they happen. He'll brush me off and tell me I'm acting crazy. I'm the type of person that likes to talk about things. But, it's hard for me to bring them up again after they've already happened, because he gets frustrated when I do. He thinks they're done and over with, when they're not.
I really don't know. I know some of you will tell me to leave him. Maybe I should. I don't know. I don't know if this is the PTSD again, but I also don't want to keep making excuses for his behavior.
Honestly, when things are good between us, they're amazing, but once he slips back into that depression...it gets extremely hard. It's hard sometimes because I don't have people to talk to who understand this, who understand what it's like to be with someone with this disorder.
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I don't think we're breaking up anymore after we talked tonight, but I do hope we still have that talk. We never had that talk we were supposed to have a few months ago, so we better have it this time. If he doesn't bring it up when I come over, I'm going to. I need to get these things off my chest, and I think they'd make more of an impact if I said them to his face, rather than emailing them like I've been doing.
He really needs to start understanding that he can't keep doing this to me. We're a team. I'm hoping if he starts to see a therapist with the VA, that they'll let me come to a few sessions (they usually do, since I'm kind of a "spouse/family member") because I think it'd be good for us to have sessions together. It's just really hard because Vets with PTSD always push people away, thinking they're protecting themselves, when they're really not. I had sent him an email the other day about how it was unfair that he did that to me, telling me we need to talk, but saying it had to be when I came down, and then not telling me when I could come down, and not telling me if we were breaking up or not. Then, I told him in the email that part about Vets and added that they also tend to blame everyone else for their problems. After that was when he started talking to me more.
I know emails are one way I can tell him things because I know he reads them.
I mean, it's good I've done so much research, but it's really annoying and frustrating when he acts this way and sometimes I don't want to believe that it's his PTSD, because sometimes I think I'm making excuses for him. At least, I'm not so afraid to call him out on it anymore. Even if it were to lead to us breaking up eventually, I'm not going to let him treat me like crap and think he can get away with it.