But, really, I do have some good news. As most of you know, if you've been following my blogs, we've been pretty rocky for almost a year now.
This weekend, I went to his house, as I typically try to do when I can. This weekend was different because he was in a citywide dart tournament. Saturday was the tournament, and he came in 17th place, which is fine. He wasn't too upset about it because it was the first time he was in this specific tournament. Plus, I think that's not bad for placing 17th in the city (though he and I both know he can do better). But, that's not the good news. The good stuff came after the tournament ended and we were just sitting in the bar talking. He had been drinking, quite a bit (one of our very good friends won the whole tournament, so we were all celebrating), so everything came out basically. It seems that alcohol really does lower his inhibitions, when it comes to talking about his feelings.
I honestly don't even remember how the conversation started. I really don't. All I know is that we just pretty much talked about everything...and I mean everything. From his ex, to us almost breaking up so many times, his PTSD, his depression, how he really feels about me...everything.
There were moments that he cried (and he never cries, he feels that crying makes him weak and vulnerable), and there were moments that I cried. I wasn't even drinking. I was sober. I had one Jaegerbomb and it did nothing to me. I've never seen him cry the way that he did. The only other time I'd seen him cry was when he had an episode with his PTSD/anxiety and he was fine after a few minutes. This, he cried for a while. I wiped all of his tears away. None of our friends really bothered us when they saw us talking, or us crying. No one really knew what we had been going through, especially him.
He told me that he still talks to ex because it's one of the only things he has left that reminds him of his dad. And, while it pisses me off, it took me until today to really understand and accept it. Because his father is gone, and while my SO was with her, his dad was alive, she and his father bonded. Especially when he was in Iraq (even though she was terrible to my SO). He says that even though they don't even really talk, it's just nice to get that refresher of his father...or just memories of his father. I get that now. It sucks, but I get it. His dad was his world and he'd do anything to get him back. She's kind of his gate way to his dad, and he's afraid to close that door with her. He did tell me that he never takes it farther than "How are you?", because he knows that she would love nothing more than to be with him again and he doesn't want to entertain her and have her think she has a shot. He knows and he understands why it makes me upset that he talks to her. It sucks that she probably won't ever leave his life, but if it makes him happy that it helps him cope with losing his father, and it never goes beyond the small talk and "How are you's", I'm alright with it. But, the second she tries to take it farther, there will be a smackdown between me and her.
He admitted that he knows he definitely needs to get help. But, he's scared. I understand that. That's something that all vets, and just people in general, are afraid of. He's scared of being vulnerable, he's scared of being "weak". He thinks that getting help makes him weak. It's going to take a while for me to try and convince him that it doesn't make him weak. Because, in my eyes, getting help makes you a strong person.
He just kept apologizing and telling me how much appreciates how much I've done for him and how long I've stuck around. That, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and he's never letting me go. No matter how many times he gets "down", he always comes back and remembers that he'd be stupid to let go of me. He also keeps saying that he thinks I deserve better because he knows that he treats me like garbage sometimes, especially when he's "down".
He kept saying that it was a shame that it took almost 2 1/2 years for us to finally have this talk, and for him to finally let me in. He told me so many things. So many things that I don't think he'd ever told anyone else. He told me things that happened when he was deployed, things that he had to do. Things that he regrets, which I'm sure you can assume without me saying anything, being that he was in combat and he was in the infantry...and infantry soldiers are trained to do just about one thing. Everything still haunts him.
He's just an incredibly broken person, and it's taken a lot for me to even begin to try and put the pieces of him back together. I told him that he will never be 100%, never. Not after everything that he's been through. But, I'm okay with that.
Thinking about how much he apologized, I just can't believe how bad he feels. He just kept telling me that he was sorry for being a "nutcase" and for being "crazy", "fucked up", etc. He's sorry he isn't romantic like he used to be, before he was deployed, and how he wishes he was still. He's sorry we don't have sex as much. He's sorry he can't afford to get me nice things, though he wants to. He's sorry for how he treats me sometimes. Just...sorry for everything. He even apologized that he only really "talks" when he's been drinking, and he realizes that.
He finally told me that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. That he does want to marry me and have a family with me some day. Which, these are things that he's never told me to my face, seriously. And, you guys know that this was something huge that I was seriously wondering about and going back and forth about. I told him that that was all I'd ever wanted for him to say to me seriously, not joking around, not mentioning it to his friends, not through a message...but, to my face. So that I knew where this was going.
He said to me that, every time I come over, he's so happy. He loves being around me, he loves sleeping next to me, he loves the things I do for him. He loves that, when he has a bad day and I'm there, I give him a back rub and make him food. He wants to spend every day with me. He said that he doesn't want to get engaged until we've been living together permanently for at least a year. Even though, we practically do live together now, though part-time. He knows that it's definitely something he wants to make permanent because we're great together.
He told me that I'm the only one who knows how to calm him down and keep him grounded. The only one. That, without me, he has no one. He's afraid to lose his brothers and sister, so he keeps them at a distance. The only other people he had were his dad and his aunt, and they both passed away.
He also told me that he really does wish he met me before he was deployed and before his dad passed. He said that, just from the way things are now, that there's no doubt that if we had met sooner, we would still be together today. He really wishes that I got to meet his dad and his aunt. He said he knows that they would've fallen in love with me. He also said that, if we had met sooner, that he doesn't think he would be as messed up as he is now because I would've helped him. That's big. Before, when I would ask him if he thought we would still be together if I met him before, he would say that he didn't think so. Now, he says there's no doubt that we would've still been together. I do think that I would've helped him. A lot. He probably wouldn't be in as much debt as he is now because I would kick his into gear and try to steer him in the right direction.
He did say that sometimes, the fact that we grew up so differently, me with money, him being poor, that it gets to him. Just in the sense that I complain about petty things that he wishes he could have. I understand that. My dad pays for everything for me. My phone, my car, my car insurance, my food, my tuition, I live rent free. If I need money, he'll give it to me. If I don't have a job, I just work for my dad under the table. I'm spoiled. I hate that it's how I grew up sometimes, but I can't help that. My SO said that he tries not to hold it against me, but that the complaining does get annoying.
We talked about how I need to get my shit together if we want to make closing the distance happen. And, he's right. He's absolutely right. He said that I'd lost my "drive" since we've been together. And, I have. I don't know what happened. I just got depressed. A majority of it did have to do with him and what was going on with our relationship. I felt like, if he didn't really care, why should I? If he didn't have plans on being with me forever, then what's the point? You know? I didn't know what he wanted. But, now I know. I take full responsibility for what's going on in my life. I'm tired of making excuses. I fucked up. Plain and simple. I know I did. But, I need to move on from it, and decide if I should go back to school for Hygiene, or go back to assisting. It's hard, because I really want to be with him now. But, I feel that if I tried to move there ASAP, I might not be able to go to school, and I don't think I want to do assisting for the rest of my life and being told what to do every day.
He said that he doesn't even know why he told me everything, and let it all out. But, that's what happens when you (generalization) hold everything in for so long.
Also, he knows all about this site. He reads everything I post. All the blogs, all the posts that I've posted. I didn't know that. He admitted that he "stalks" my life more than I think he does. I had no idea that he would actually come on here. None. I didn't think he cared. He says he reads as much as he can without making an account because he doesn't want one. Some of the things I wrote hurt him, but he gets it.
He said that he likes that I try to help people on this site who are dealing with SO's with PTSD. And, that he loves that I try to do as much research and learn as much as I can. Though, we both know that it's not the same as knowing exactly what he's going through, or what's going on his head, but at least I know some things. I will never be able to fully understand, it's impossible. But, I'm doing my best and all that I can do.
And, if you're reading this Babe: The things I've written here were written because I didn't know what was going on with us. When you put that wall up and don't let me in, it makes me insecure and pessimistic because I think you don't care. But, after this weekend, I know that you really do. You're just so hurt, so afraid, and so broken that you don't want to get hurt again. But, you need to start letting me in more. You already know that I'm not going anywhere. You even admitted it. If I was seriously going to leave, I would've done it already. I wouldn't have put myself through 2 1/2 years if I thought it was going to be a waste. I already did that with my ex, and with him it was 5 years. I wouldn't take that chance again, nor would I make that mistake again. I know what kind of person you really are. This is my place to vent when I get upset. When I feel like I can't talk to you. I'll try to get better with talking to you when something is bothering me so we can work out the kinks ASAP, instead of letting them sit the way we've done.
Anyways, I think that's everything for now. Everything that I can remember anyways. I've been trying to replay the conversation in my head, but we were talking for at least 3 hours. I'm sure there will be add-on blogs to this one if I remember more things.
Kudos to you if you made it all the way to the end.
I can't even imagine what your so has had to go through and had to do
I bet it is something that haunts you for the rest of your life. Men come back from war broken.
When I checked the word infantry (English is my second language) google came up with a page for joining the British Army...."You will make good friends" etc. Making it all sound so great and fun...
I am happy for you guys been able to talk things through.