Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any eye damage incurred due to reading the many paragraphs in this blog. You have been warned.

It's been a hell of a few weeks for me. I have experienced every kind of emotion on the spectrum, that even I'm finding it hard to keep up with myself.

Where to begin? This has probably been the toughest 5 months of my relationship thus far. Like I thought dealing with the distance was hard, but dealing with issue, upon issue, upon issue at a distance just kinda takes the cake for being "hard".

Here's some back story before I continue: My SO lives in a house with a bunch of other housemates. He moved there in March I think? He found it on a craigslist ad, and when he went to look at the room, he was greeted at the door by his best friends step-sister. I've met the step-sister once before, to me she seemed like a genuinely nice person. My SO was super stoked that she was living there because he had a friend to hang out with.

When he first moved in, they would hang out all the time. Now I'm really not a jealous person, but when he was telling me about how they were cooking dinner together and going down to the beach to throw sticks for her dog, it kinda got me worried and I asked him about it. He told me that she is like one of the bros and there's nothing going on. I trust him, so I left it at that. (mind you, she is the only female in a house full of males and was/is kind of a tomboy).

Fast forward to now. Things have been rocky between us this entire time. A few weeks ago he was feeling upset for a couple days but didn't want to talk to me about it. He hadn't been telling me much and I felt like I was being kept in the dark, so I did a bad thing. I went on my SOs facebook. I have had his password for years now and on occasion I log on.

I saw a message from him to his BFFs step-sister. On those days that he had been feeling upset, he had gotten into a fight with her. She had sent him a long message apologising but also calling him out on his behaviour. He responded equally long, explaining that he doesn't know what to make of his feelings for her, but that he is "fond" of her and acknowledges that he goes out of his way to be around her/in her presence, and seeks out her attention. He mentioned that being in an LD relationship makes things awkward for him... and thats all I can remember off the top of my head.

*que heart and stomach sinking here*. I went to the veterans board and posted about it as soon as I found out. I then knew I had to talk to him about it, come clean and tell him I had gone into his account. I didn't even second guess it, I had to bring it up. I left him a message that night before going to bed. I then didn't sleep for like 2 hours as my brain refused to stop thinking about it. When he woke up, it was 4am my time and he called my phone. He never calls so I knew it was a big deal but I was so god damn tired that I just let it ring and would deal with it in the morning.

Anyway. His explanation was that because we have been so emotionally distant from each other, he sought companionship in her. (which is wrong of him, obvs). When I would bitch at him, he said he would tune me out and then go hang out with her to cheer him up. He told me he didn't want to deal with my constant negativity, also saying that at one point he felt like he wasn't in a relationship with me anymore. He told me that after the proposal, he had lost a lot of his emotional attachment to me. He had stopped thinking I was this all-amazing human being.

I will admit to not having been very nice to him over these last few months. I will also admit to being very hypocritical at times without even realising it. When you guys read my blogs/posts, it is completely one sided. I have often come on here and posted in bouts of anger and sadness, which I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore.
Looking back, I have shot him down more times that I can count. The biggest biggest shoot down for him being the botched proposal. We talked about it, and he was so upset that he had trouble getting the words out over his heaving. I have never, ever heard him cry like that. Hearing him cry made me cry. I have been a total bitch to him, but in my head I always thought it was somehow justified.

We talked more about it the issue at hand. I realised that this is basically emotional cheating, and pointed it out to him. He admitted that it was wrong of him to seek out her attention. He clarified that nothing sexual has ever happened, and that she is not interested in him at all. I then said "but you are interested in her". He said that he never wanted to develop feelings for her, and was having trouble figuring out exactly what he felt for her in his own head (which was the reason for not wanting to tell me about it). He told me couldn't comprehend throwing away a 3 year relationship for someone who happens to be closer by.

I knew at this point that we had hit rock bottom.

I didn't feel jealous about him having feelings for another person, mostly sadness and disappointment at the fact that he didn't come to me when he first started feeling this way. It was really upsetting initially. I felt like this was worse than just having sex with another person because there is no emotion involved in that. I told him he can't do this every time we have a fight and that he needs to be more open to communicating with me. We've made a promise to keep ourselves accountable with each other.

There's so much more to it. We've had multiple heart to heart conversations over the last two weeks, rehashing everything, that its hard to put it all here. We've both cried over this. There's been a lot of apologising. A lot of embarassment at our actions. We've asked questions, me more so than him. We've been brutally honest with each other and in the process, opened up each others eyes to our wrong doings. Both of us had emotionally shut each other out. We were steadily throwing stones at cold, hard walls and getting upset when we went to look out, and suddenly there's a huge messy pile of stones and gravel blocking the front door.

What I can tell you, is that since this whole shebang has unfolded, our relationship is mostly on its way to being on track again. He's making time for me, and showing me that he's making an effort to keep us on the right path. We let the other know if we notice the other is starting to slip into old habits. He willingly tells me what he's doing, who he is with, where he is going, what he's putting in his sandwich... all that silly stuff that I don't really need to know, but is nice to hear. Its just the small things like that, which show me that he wants me to be involved in his life as opposed to actively excluding me.

Complacency is the word for this. We're gonna try to not be complacent anymore because it doesn't do anyone any favours.

I am still trying to figure out when to book my ticket to see him. We both know that we desperately need to see each other in person to fully figure this out. We both agreed that it was so difficult to try and figure this out over the internet but we are trying.

For now we are taking it day by day, and things are looking more positive.

(end note: I realise that my relationship has been quite toxic, and I understand that I might be considered a fool. I was very close to calling it quits. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back, and we are basically starting all over again from square one. Here's to change. Any plans for any type of nuptials have been postponed for obvious reasons so please don't worry about that either. lol.)

Thanks for reading.