I booked my ticket to see my SO a couple of weeks ago. My boss knows. I told her about my relationship and that I need to go back, and she told me its OK. She said she could tell that I hadn't been myself for the last few months and was very understanding. I think she is sad that I will be leaving her alone to do all the work, though. I am currently the one person that is holding her business together. I feel bad that I'm leaving but she does need to learn to not rely on one person when it is a 3 man job. Anywho.

I went to the Dr yesterday. I wanted to go back on BC as well as get a few other things checked out before I leave, mainly my heart and my mental health.

I have been having an irregular heart beat since around March. It feels like a flutter in my chest and gives me the urge to cough. Sometimes coughing will make it stop, other times it doesn't. I will feel the flutters multiple times a day for a day or two and then not feel it for another two or three weeks. I need to have a blood test as well as an ECG to monitor my heart activity. The only problem is it requires going topless and bra-less and that terrifies me. I am still not 100% confident with letting anyone other than my SO see my boobs.

I am going to try and seek therapy for some unresolved issues I have with myself, as well as having very dramatic mood swings and anger problems (probably as a result of my unresolved issues lol).
I have always had a bit of a temper, but I've become more aware of it lately. It doesn't take much for me to find myself in a negative pool of thoughts. Once I'm in that pool, it snowballs into something enormous and its very hard for me to snap out of it. I don't feel depressed these days, but I do often feel this sudden weight of negativity/anxiety out of no where which isn't normal for me. Dr gave me a place I can visit and told me that I might be eligible for a mental health care plan, which gives you a number of sessions with a therapist and is covered by medicare.

I have to see the therapist and get my bloodwork/ECG within the next two weeks, because the Dr doesn't want me to start my BC until all of this is done. I only have 6 weeks til I see my SO, so I need to get it sorted before I go flying. Oh yeah, thats it. Flying was another concerned raised so she just wants to give me the OK to fly long haul.

My SO and I are doing well. We've both been working hard to put time and effort in. We've video chatted about 6 times in the last 2 weeks?? Which is a freaking record... we were lucky to talk once a fortnight before. We haven't had a disagreement in a while, I've really been thinking about my words I say before I say them, and so has he. I noticed that we both had tendencies to pick fights. I'm really looking forward to seeing him. I was nervous before, but these last few weeks have helped turn those bad vibes into good ones. He has mentioned coming back to Australia again, without any prompt from me, so that's plus.

Not long ago posted a bit of my story on reddit to get an unbiased view of my situation, and it helped me gain some perspective on everything. Woo perspective... gotta love some of that.

I'm trying to be self-aware. I think I'm getting better at it.

Anyway.. I am in a better place than I was a few months and I hope that it continues. Just wanted to update in case anyone was interested. I'd rather lurk than post. lol.

thanks for reading