Today was mostly good, I enjoyed work up until the very end when it turned a bit sour, but hell, we left early so I can't complain. Well I can, but I wont.
Tonight I'm doing a little better, or at least I'm functioning like a normal housewoman and getting stuff done. I don't feel better, but I'm at least useful, so maybe I can get used to this. On the bright side, it's forcing me to try and make friends and go out because if I knew Obi would be home I'd be more likely to pass up opportunities. So that's good.
He's showing me he's missing me too, which helps. There's two new notes I've found so far, and he sneakily txted me from work even though phones are strictly banned. Before he left he held me and told me in his sad voice that he wished he could spend more time with me. And that was really nice. Somehow if we're both suffering that makes it ok. I know, not very nice of me
But I'm having trouble not crying. Having trouble manning it up and getting on with life which I used to be so damned good at. I think about tomorrow and how unless I get off early I'll see him for only 20 minutes. I think about his next night off and how it's bloody D&D night, so it's wasted in a room full of sweaty unwashed men who pertend they are someone else for five odd hours a week because their lives are too miserable to just go out and enjoy. I think about how the next time we'll have a chance to be intimate is Saturday and how I can't even remember the last time.... And that I'm damned lonely. And that I wish instead of arguing with me today and instead of wasting time on our D&D character creation he had just wanted to cuddle or be intimate.
Tired. If I wasn't so tired, that'd help. I'm working 7 days straight this week. I try to think of the money. I know eventually i'll get tired enough that I'll learn to sleep alone again. Obi cracks jokes that I can sleep in his headset if it makes me feel better. It's not soothing when no one is on the other end he's just ribbing me. But, while writeing that it occured to me that I could use one of the old tricks. Why didn't I think of this before?! Tonight i'll leave him a note and I'll ask him to record the next chapter or two of our book for me, and I can listen to it when I'm trying to fall asleep. Ha! I'm a freaking genious!
I feel better already.
You know what? I've done this before. We've gone months without talking before! Why am I letting this get to me instead of embracing it? No. *shakes self* No more moping. There are up-sides to this, if I just look for them. I'm going to go do that. And finish cleaning my burrow. I'm so ashamed.
I feel better though. Thank you if you read that dribble. Hell, thank you if you didn't too! I needed this.
I also understand the D&D night issues well. For me, my one year old and I would be relegated to the bedroom all night each and every week because other spouses wouldn't let these guys play at their houses. It was so unfair not to share this around.