For the longest time I felt like I was waiting for life to begin.

Then I came here and started a life with Obi. And for a while that was great. But then I got bored. And now I feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin, yet again.

Why is that? Have I become so spoiled that I need constant entertainment?

I get frustrated often because I always saw my future different to this. Less realistically too no doubt. More and more though I regret the years I wasted with that pedophile. I feel like I'm so far behind... or something.

And I'm craving something, but at the edges of who I am the depression pulls at me, and I make no discernible progress. I know what I have to do a lot of the time, but I can't get myself to do it. It's fickle!

I wonder where the next couple of months will lead us.

I have to make myself realise that the only way I'm going to get anywhere is by putting in the hard yakka myself. No one is going to do it for me. Lack of time is not the issue. I am the issue. I need to fix this. NOW. I need to stop telling myself about all the ambitious things I'll achieve tomorrow and do them today.

But I also want to see a future that isn't an endless slog of working - both for myself and Obi.

I remember my sister telling me, over and over, that sometimes you have to commit a period of time to nothing but work, otherwise you'll never get ahead. Double the amount you're doing something you don't want to do to get the pain over quicker. You need to choose a block of time and dedicate it, suffer through it, to reach a goal. This time, at least, I know she's right.

I always promised myself, I'd never do a job just for the money. I wouldn't be like those other people working every day in a job they hate just for the almighty dollar. But I justify my work now with flimsy excuses like "It's not just for the money, it keeps me fit too." and at the end of the day I let that heavy fatigue and depression slow me down and I don't work on the one thing I really do want, the option I have to eventually get myself out of unskilled labour.

But in five years time when I'm still writing the same thing in my blog I'll know it was my fault this time - mine alone - if I don't make any progress.