They say that Taurus people are patient, and I'm sure I used to be. But now? Now I just feel OLD. Yeah yeah, I'm 23 I'm still a babe... I've heard it all before. But I've been out of home 8 freaking years and have NOTHING to show for it. Yes, I look like a kid. But I'm not and I haven't been for a long time. I've seen too much death, been a shoulder for too many people to cry on, failed and gotten back up too many times. I have too much regret. Too much bitterness. Is it weird that my name means "bitter"?

We went for dinner with Obi's Granny last night, just the three of us. The question that always comes up, didn't fail. Are you going back to Australia? When? For how long? When are you moving here permanently? Gah! I made an effort to explain exactly how hard it is to answer that, and I think she understood. I told her that for every time someone over here asks us when are we settling permanently, someone back home says they miss me and asks when we'll be back. His friends and family always tend to forget the people I left behind and how that hurts them. They only think of themselves.
But Obi's reluctance to talk about it annoyed me. It was obvious he was uncomfortable. Why can't he just be honest with his family? I mean, it's hard for me to tell my family that I'm not coming home in Feb like they expected, but I do it. Why can't he say "We want to spend time with Miri's family too?" or something. Ok, I get he's still clinging to his childhood and is afraid of the reaction he might get if he admits "We will go home for Miriam to bear our children", he doesn't have to be that honest if he doesn't want to, but he could have the decency to give them a fair indication of when we're going, how long for, and if visits are likely. And I mentioned it to him after, in an off-hand kind of way. We've spoken about it before, and I know it's his choice. He's never told me I can't answer honestly though. I wonder how angry he'd be, or if it'd be a weight off his shoulders.

Sometimes I feel like the adult in this union.

It was cool though, our waitress noticed my accent and asked about it, and she turned out to be a kiwi, living in Canada for the same reason I am. She has to go home soon though, because they can't prove they've been 'common law' for a year. *lopsided smile*

Right now I know we're officially "working on our careers". He's getting experience in his industry, I'm getting this novel written, and we're trying to save money. Maybe I'm too complex or something, but I'd be fine to progress more than one aspect of my life at a time. Especially seeming I hate my job, can't seem to get another one (not trying hard enough either) and am often so tired I can't write this damn book. It'd be nice to be able to comfort myself with progress from another area... but we're at a stand-still it seems. He's happy and feels like life is rushing by quickly. And I'm glad he's happy and I'm part of that. It gets me through sometimes.

We've talked before about how he "slows me down". At first that was a good thing, I do tend to jump in with both feet, and a lot of the time he isn't ready. But now it's more, as he said, "holding me back". I worry that when the agreed upon times for stuff to start moving again comes, he wont be ready and he'll back away.

I worry too about what happens if I can't get my writing career off the ground smoothly and quickly. What if I can't get published? Well then I've wasted another two years here in Canada, slowing down for him, when I could have been in Uni working on my plan B.

One thing granny said struck me last night. "When I was your age I was married and had two children". Well, that's where I wanted to be at this age isn't it?! But Obi just remained silent, awkwardly silent, until she found another question to ask.

We have talked about it, though not recently. He knows how I feel, and I him. I don't want to start resenting him all over again. I made this choice, and I don't regret it, though I'm afraid I will later on. I don't want to force him into things he isn't ready for....

Gods, I just feel old today.