The depression gets the better of me sometimes. Obi is getting much better at helping me deal with it, which is nice
But it's still there, still something I fight against every day. I had a.. uh, period of instability, last night. I woke him up and made him talk to me, and he let me whinge and did his best to say the things that chase the depression back into the hole it comes from. I told him I didn't want to spend another night crying myself to sleep and feeling so alone, so he stayed awake with me until I got it all out of my system.We were both a bit bugged by his work keeping him late last night. We were due to meet his parents for dinner, and even when he gets off on time it's still pretty late with the one and a half hour commute. Most night's he's in at 7:30pm. But anyway, he stayed for the extra time and at the end of it he made sure he was free to leave, and pointed out that the commute time and that we had dinner plans. His supervisor told him "If I say you work, you work. If I choose to keep you here all night at some point, you will do it." Lovely. And the project they are working on has its deadline next Friday. I'm readying myself for the worst so I can be properly supportive rather than my usual needy greedy self. But anyway, that's a tangent.
Back to last night in bed, I was full of despair. I know part of it was fatigue, and the ever-present frustrations. We wanted to read or canoodle or both, but didn't have time for either, because I needed to sleep so I could function at work and Obi was so tired he fell asleep almost immediately. And that small fact just pushed me over I guess.
As I said to Obi, I feel all we do is work and sleep. Everything else has to be squeezed in around those two things. If we want to do something together more often than not work or sleep will interfere. I was supposed to have today off, we had plans.
Nope: work & sleep.
I want to make love
No, work & sleep
We get invited to family events
Again, work & sleep
When I have time off he's working or sleeping, when he has time off I'm working or sleeping.
Even when I'm writing this novel, I love it, but it's still work.
Every decision, every opportunity, every scrap of time has to be first passed by the lords of Work & Sleep to see if they approve! And I can't stand it! I feel like there must be something terribly wrong with me, like I don't belong in this time period because everyone else seems to think this way of life is fine. Our society chooses to be like this. I don't understand it. If I have to live like this every day for the rest of my life I'd rather stop waking up in the morning. (Sometimes I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I'm never unstable enough to follow through though, nor am I that selfish. I'm safe, don't start worrying.)
Obi also has come to understand that I don't expect to live a long life. I feel my mortality very keenly and if you look at how much death I've seen, and consider my family history, it's no wonder I think this way. Even now I make choices based on the fact I'm trying to avoid dying young like the people who've gone before me. But because of this, I strive to not waste my life. It's one of the reasons I don't watch TV. *shrugs one shoulder* He told me last night he finally understands this. What good is retirement if you don't live long enough to enjoy it? He's convinced I'll live to a ripe old age because everyone he knows does, but he finally gets why I'm the way I am, and considers it. And really, there's nothing wrong with living life for quality, even if you're gonna make it to 80.
I told him I want more time for the important things, like family. I don't mind working hard, far from it, but I do mind doing pointless repetitive things for the almighty dollar. I don't want either of us to have to say to our children "I can't be there for your birthday/piano recital/championship game/graduation/Visit you in hospital/whatever, I'll be working." and I don't want us to be saying that to each other either. I just wish that money was as important to me as it is to everyone else. I wish I could understand and relate, but I just can't most of the time. People, family, love comes first with me.
I'm learning to hate being home while he's working too, so I'm working even harder myself. He's like "One day you'll be working from home, writing every day," (which is my dream) and suddenly that idea horrified me. I explained it's not good enough to have time off for myself/for my writing - that misses the entire point! it's still work & sleep, work & sleep -but that I want time to actually be together. Quality time that isn't harassed by work & sleep. Time to talk and laugh and make love and play.
He tells me it wont seem so bad when I'm doing something I love rather than scrubbing dunnies, and when we have our home and can see the fruits of our labours. And he reminds me that yes, sometimes I wont see him much or at all because of his work, but there will be long times between contracts where I see him a lot and once I'm working for me we can use that time to be together and travel and do things that matter. That gives me hope. I should write it down somewhere I can re-read it for a pick-me-up.
He actually offered to quit his second job, but I told him no. That would be foolish at this point, and besides, he's only been getting short shifts, it hasn't really been interrupting our lives. We need that job for him to fall back on, because the other is unstable. Besides, he's normal. He likes working and earning money.
Then there was today. Work was good, and while I was there he sent me a couple of sweet but cheesy texts that made my life better.
I had a choice, I could leave at 2:30pm and receive five hours pay (And have worked a half hour for free,), or I could sit in the lunch room with the rest of the girls until 3pm and get paid for six hours. I chose to spend that time with Obi, knowing he'd start work at 4pm. It's just money, right?
So, he picks me up and brings me home... and then completely ignores me and plays starcraft 2 until a bit after 3, didn't even bother speaking to me!... At that point I wished I had stayed at work. I get paid to be ignored there. I told him of course, when he finally decided I was worth speaking too, and he apologized and felt bad and whatever, but the damage was done. I'm more upset with myself than him though. He has the right to spend his time at home (which he gets very little of) in any way he chooses. If that isn't including me, I need to deal with that. But I was still upset, especially after last night's talk... I kinda thought he'd want to take advantage of the little extra time too. And that all spoilt the time we had left before he had to go.
*Sighs* Now I'm just deflated. I have a headache, I'm sad, lonely and disappointed. My house is a bomb and my lazy-arse boyfriend didn't even bother to do the one thing I asked of him today (vacuum. Instead he covered the floor in salad which I now need to clean up). I know I need to just get a grip and go be useful, but I'd rather just sit here and cry.