Yes, I should be editing my book. I'm just going to do this blog and then I will go and fix all the problems lurking in those pages. Today I'm tackling two things:
Firstly I need to split apart two of my main characters, so that the second book will make sense, and I need to give the minor character that is with them a horse. Otherwise in the second book this horse will appear out of nowhere, and that is bad form.
Secondly, I need to make my world seem more populated. I'm very focused on my characters and that has left the world feeling empty (well, that and the fact all populations have undergone a huge reduction... but it's not empty!) which will be tedious to fix. I need to go back and interject approximate numbers of people living in the towns and cities I've mentioned, and add in scenes of random villagers doing their own things. Other books have this so neatly done you don't realise it's there. But let me tell you - when it's not there you notice!

Really, I know it's almost a blessing that I've had so much time off work lately... but I was depressed when I saw last fortnight's payslip. I'm technically full time - but I got less than 50 hours. Less than 50 hours in two weeks!! For shit sake, Obi works nearly that in one week! Ugh, If he didn't have his loans to pay off, I'd feel very unequal in the financial side of our relationship right now. Realistically, it doesn't affect our quality of life, all it does is affect our savings, and our ability to have fun with Bec and Chris when they're here for Christmas. I have time to make up for it. But I know this pay will be just as bad, if not worse... I only worked four and a half hours yesterday... and that makes me feel like I should be getting a second job again. I tell myself "Writing is a job Miriam" but it's so hard to see it that way because the only one who's ever taken it seriously is Obi.

Truth be told, now that the first book is up to editing, I'm sacred shitless. I will follow through of course, I'm closer to my dream than ever before. I recognise that I'd see a lot of rejections before I make anything of myself. I know how hard it will be to finish this trilogy when the first book has been rejected as many times as it will be. Logic is my friend. I know already that getting that first foot in the door will be the hard part. And I'm terrified of failure. I've promised myself if I can get my career off the ground I don't have to go to uni. I don't want to go to uni. I don't want a HECS debt hanging over my head, I don't want to spend four additional years in Australia. I don't want to be 30 when I start my career. I don't want to study when I could be earning money and looking after my kidlets.

And damn do I want those kidlets. I know, I know. The longer it takes me to get published (or at least rejected by every publisher in Canada), the longer we stay here this time. The longer we're here, the longer I have no medical access and need to keep taking those BC pills. The longer I take those pills, the further into the future children become. I get it. I know we have to wait. I know he's not ready. I'd like him to marry me first. But today, while my guts are twisting in pain and my emotions are fritzing out, I wish I could say that in nine months time we'd have a family.

Obi has been very good to me lately. He compliments me on the creative things I come up with for dinner, even though I know it's the same basic ingredients for most of the dishes I'm able to make. He can't tell and seems to think I'm a genius. When I clean up he notices and thanks me. He tells me I'm beautiful and loved and that he never wants me to feel taken for granted. He recognizes the huge effort I put into making this relationship good for both of us, and he thanks me. It's all very nice. We've gotten quite a bit of time together too lately, because I've had most of the Saturdays this month off. Which never happens, and two Sundays as well, even rarer.

And I have a lot to look forward to. Next month is NaNoWriMo, and Obi's already helped me brainstorm a bunch of stuff I need (I'm writing the sequel to my first book, which was also a NaNo novel), and there are write-ins in my area. I really hope I can get past the anxiety and go and make some damned friends. And then, the 4th of Dec is coming up too. It's our anniversary, and I'm making big plans. Then on the 16th Bec and Chris land in Canada. It's been too long since I've seen them. I love my sister. So of course, I'm hyped about Christmas this year, and have started shopping.

It's all happening!
Now, to novel!