Again, just venting, thinking aloud, killing time and all that. If I hurt anyone's feelings that's not my intent. I'm happy to debate with you, because hell, I've been wrong before, but I'm not looking to make enemies.
Right so there's this one thing I've noticed, particularly with a member of Obi's family who shall remain nameless. She goes through boys like I go through socks, seriously. And these relationships always fail and she wonders why... It's frustratingly obvious.
The biggest part of which I think we can all learn from. When one relationship ends and you're at the living together stage, that doesn't mean your next relationship starts where the last one left off. It's a new relationship. It gets it's own step one. You can't go into a two-week old relationship, practically move in with the new guy, start talking about combined finances and marriage and expect him not to freak out and ask for space or flat-out run away. It's a new relationship. Cut your losses and treat it like it's new because without a foundation and history, you're not really going to get anywhere.
Which leads me to my next gripe: Dating. I'm so tempted to say "In my day we didn't do this blah blah" but that makes me sound old. But, I really really don't understand dating. By which I mean this thing where people go on dates with a bunch of different people, kind of like a screening process, and each doesn't know about any of the others because it's not "official". I really don't see how any of these suitors are getting a fair chance by this. Maybe it's simply I was never that popular and that's why I never went through this... but it just seems wrong to me. Young women holding court so boys can compete for her time, attention and affection. Surely there's a better way to pick your life-mate?
Then there's people who are "official" or "going steady" with people they're not sure they even love. I understand that even less - especially when it's long distance. Why the hell would you put yourself through the drama and heartache of LD if you weren't really really sure? Crazy stuff. Why commit and tie yourself down if you don't love someone? Are they perfect in every other way and you're hoping some feelings will grow over time?
This young woman who will remain unnamed shares her screening process with me sometimes, and will discuss the pros and cons of her current beaus. Which, seeing the good and the bad is a positive thing, but when it comes down to stuff like "But he has no money" that's when my hackles come up. It took me a long time to teach Obi that money isn't a reason to judge people, I remember when he finally figured out that I personally am still worth something even though I'm piss-poor. That shit offends me.
Another thing that bugs me is people who are in love with the idea of being in love. I've been guilty of this too. Love is something everyone needs, but the problem comes when we fall for the notion of love rather than another person.
On the same thread as dating, I have an issue with disposable relationships. Some people simply give up too easily. I've heard some of the stupidest reasons for break ups ranging from accidental bodily functions to fashion. Really? You can't just talk it over? It's like working on relationships is just too hard these days and people are finding it easier to look for other fish in the sea. Now, I'm not saying people need to settle for second best or lower their standards, but we can all be a little more reasonable, right? If you're not ready to compromise and put in some damn work, if you're not ready to open up and talk you really have to ask yourself "Am I ready for this (or any) romantic relationship?"
With that said, divorce happens. Am I against divorce? Absolutely not. There's so many people on the "I just know my SO is the one for me, we'll be married forever" bandwagon. No, I'm sorry, you don't know that. You have no way of knowing that for sure. You can try your damnedest to make it work, and I wish you all the very best, but there's a good chance you'll either wind up divorced or you'll be miserable in your relationship because your pride wont let you get divorced. No one intends to get divorced at the time they get married, most people don't even want to think about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just annoyed at people being blind...
I was discussing something similar with the above mentioned girl... She has a new beau that she's official with, and she's thinking of moving in with him. She may as well, she stays there 6 nights a week anyway... but she wanted my advice, and when I told her that I support her jumping in with both feet but she should have a back-up plan, she got all holier-than-thou on me and said having a back-up plan is the same as planning to fail. Uhm, how is it? It's called being smart so you don't have to keep running home to your parents. She was quite abrupt with me when I told her I have a chunk of emergency money put aside just in case things with Obi go south. Money so I can get home and put my life back together. Apparently, that's not responsible of me, instead it shows that I'm not fully committed to him. Uhm, excuse me? I moved countries for the bloke, but I'm not committed simply because I have a plan that will keep me off the streets if he runs away with a hot blonde? Guess what mate, not all of us have parents to run home to - and yours should have taught you to stand on your own two feet. RAWR.
And lastly (because this is getting long)... everyone hates your SO except you. I've been here too. It sucks doesn't it? But really, I urge you to ask yourself why people are saying the things they do. There's a good chance that they can see something you can not. Yes, you get to know your SO's deep hidden personality, really they are just rough on the outside because of past experiences but they have a heart of gold, they are misunderstood, they are trying to change, they got off on a bad foot with your friends/family but all they really want is a second chance, and no they couldn't possibly be saying such hurtful things behind your back - it's all lies.... yes, I've given all these excuses before. But, if your SO has no friends, tends to be a social recluse, makes an enemy from every person you introduce them to or makes you feel bad for hanging out with your friends and family, or makes family events unnecessarily awkward you need to ask yourself why and try and see their actions from the perspective of someone outside the relationship. Loyalty is great, but willful blindness isn't.
That'll do for now.
-
Zephii started a blog post Love and Relationships, part two.Love and Relationships, part two.
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Other times girls just push the committment talk because they really just want to be married and settled down because once they are married they think that's the finish line when it's just the start. Maybe they just want the financial security or the family pressure is overwhelming. They never think they will be the ones who divorce but sadly divorce rates prove otherwise when you look at the numbers.
Then there's which school of dating you believe in... I was rubbish at dating, still learning how to have a good relationship. Poor Sllver suffers with my unsophisticated attempts at making this work while my relationship skills have their training wheels on. These days there are so many alternatives if you are actively dating. One of the ones you're talking about is where you have as many guys on the go as possible and just keep dating until one of them 'steps up' and pursues you to the point of 'committment' whatever that is for you, marriage, living together etc. Idea being is you make them work for it and court you in a traditional sense. You foster competition amongst the guys for you. You never chase them ever. This school of thought also says that if he isn't married he's fair game and Trudy Styler, Sting's current wife is one of their role models. You know the reverse chase, where you get a guy to chase you until you let him catch you.
Then the male equivalent is the pick up artist school where guys expect you to chase them. I have no idea how you get together is neither of you is doing the chasing but oh well. The idea is to go through as many people as you can as fast as you can, to find someone you have a connection with. Online and speed dating is the current big thing and Facebook is being touted as the next online dating site, where you 'Like' friends of friends or randoms and hook up from there, where instant attraction and connection is seen as the most efficient way of meeting someone. Not sure about whether this makes for a more effective way of finding a match or starting a lasting relationship but either way you will go through a lot of frogs in your search for the prince/princess.
We do live in a disposable society and many expect others to make them happy without taking any resonsibility for their own happiness. For me one and one is still two, I'm not a fan of the notion that I need someone to complete me. But hey I'm old and dated a lot and been married and divorced so I'm somewhat jaded and cynical anyway. And regards Obi's rel who's about to jump in again - it's like doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome - different results require different plans and actions. It's not worked out for her in the past why does she think it will this time?
I don't know, I could rattle on and on.. Having an 'emergency fund' is smart for women. It doesn't show a lack of committment, it shows maturity and gives you peace of mind especially once you have children. Being committed does not mean being stupid. What if Obi was suddenly out of work for an extended period of time? I always expect the best but have a plan in case the worst happens. It's about being an adult and relying on yourself for managing your life through the good and bad times. At worst its a big chunk of change in the bank earning interest. Some forced savings which continue to build. Thanks for a great post
*old fart disclaimer of experience where n=1.
I think working your money double time is smart. It means that when we get married, I'm able to gift our union with the blessing of having an emergency fund in case something goes wrong. It means that after I figure out living expenses for real where we live, I should also have some money to put towards saving for a house, or a car, or some other big life necessity that we'll probably need in the near future. Which I think is great.