Wooo Blogging rampage!

Ok, as you might guess by the title, this blog will have some mature content. If you're not considered an adult in your particular country, I'm relying on your good sense not to read this. Let me restate that just to be clear: ADULT CONTENT VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED.

There we go. I'm not planning on getting graphic, but who knows? Now, I was thinking about this at work, and oh wait... please be warned if you are sensitive you may take offense to any strong view point that I express in this blog. I am not writing this with the intent of pissing you off. This is not a personal attack. We can all be friends.

So, yes, I was thinking about this at work. And I do admit I may have some baggage, but regardless, I think firsts are overrated.

I can recall the exact moment "firsts" became something I disdain.
I was still with the pedophile, I would have been just 16 at this stage. We were laying in bed talking. If I wasn't crying at that exact moment, I probably had been or would later be. I remember being distressed. I don't remember the exact conversation. Something about the future, us having children and his wife. (Note, they were never actually married, but they were living together and still legally defacto at this point. We'll use "wife" as her name from this point) Actually, it's all coming back to me. I was talking to him about how potentially psychologically damaging it would be to raise children in the circumstances we were all currently in. I didn't want to live with wife forever. He basically asked what could he do, and he followed with:
"She's the mother of my first born, I will always care about her" He went on to say that he couldn't abandon her, had to look after her, owed her stuff, blah blah.

Now, let me tell you about his first born. Wife had a baby already when they got together, then she had his firstborn and a very beautiful little girl. All three of these children were taken off them by welfare before they were old enough to go to school. They never saw their children again, they became wards of the state. He said he had no desire to track down these children, even though it probably wouldn't be impossible to do.
So, he never knew his firstborn, didn't care enough to fight to get the children back, blames wife completely for them being taken away but never had the balls to leave her to protect the children. Yes. Really loved that firstborn.

Yet, because it's the FIRST child, and the first woman to bear his child, that made her so special that no amount of pain, hate or anything else would make him leave her. He claimed I was his soulmate. But woman to bear first child trumps soulmate apparently.

So, let's talk about virginity. Mine. I lost it to that pedophile, of course. It wasn't so bad really. At least he knew what he was doing. Anyway, afterward, he accused me of not being a virgin because I didn't bleed. We'd been to the heavy petting stage, so I wouldn't have had a hymen anyway, but I guess he was too stupid to figure that out. Aaaaanyway. That was really offensive. I was a shy little 15 year old. I'd never been kissed by a guy or anything. I made him wait to have sex, and didn't really want it when I finally consented (Though I asked for it. Lot of mind games). I'd never lied to him. It hurt to be doubted like that. But while we were going at it I remember thinking "So this is sex. Wonder what the big deal was all about."

I think about my first kiss. That too was manipulated out of me. I still remember exactly how he did it. And I remember not 20 minutes later he was trying to touch my breast, and I pushed his hand away. He stopped kissing me and told me that if I wanted to be held and kissed, I'd have to let him touch me too, because (basically) he was a man and I was pretty. Like all teens, I wanted love. This shit haunts me. I guess there's been too many threads lately stirring my memories.

Thinking about the "taken" or "freely given" thing in the virginity thread... I really felt mine was taken. I still feel like he stole my innocence. I like who I am now, most days, so I guess that worked out ok. But still... I remember him taking me, it was like the third or fourth time... and he did one of the cruelest things to my mind... he told me he could see in my aura that I wanted to have his children. I hadn't really thought about it at that stage, I was still a child. It had only been a year or so since I stopped playing with figurines. But, when he said it, it sounded nice and made me happy. He told me he wanted that too... and said he wanted to stop using birth control.
(Note: I'd asked to use condoms from the start and he refused. He said he had only been with wife for the past 20 years and that proved he was clean, and said not to worry about BC because he was on the "mini pill" which, he said, was a small pill a man puts down the eye of his penis that kills sperm. No such thing exists. I didn't know that at the time - he loved me, he wouldn't lie to me.)
Now the reason this is cruel is because he couldn't actually have children. Wife knew this and told me, but he said she was lying, so I believed him. I was so innocent I didn't realise until near the end of our relationship that there was no ejaculate when he orgasmed, and there never had been. But I'd always be so sad at the end of the month when once again I wasn't pregnant.

That's all off-topic, but I had to let it out.