Back on topic, I don't know why people get so hung-up on firsts - especially virginity. There's this big holier-than-thou thing going on there. Sometimes I personally feel that some individuals find fault with relationships where one or both partners we're not each others firsts. And I'd really like to know why. From the religious standpoint, I can understand it. I understand (but don't agree with) the waiting til marriage thing, and the concept of Unito Caro (one flesh - Upon marriage/sexual union the woman and man become a single entity Mr and Mrs <guy's name>). This is the same concept that had rape within marriage as a completely legal thing until 1961 in my country. But I digress.

To find out what's so special about virginity let's look at what sex is. Sexual intercourse is generally defined as the man's penis penetrating the woman's vagina. Is this particularly special simply because they are "private" areas? No. The whole idea of sex as sacred (or sinful, pick a side) has to do with reproduction. This, as far as I understand, is why penetrating a woman with fingers or toys is not given the same emphasis. Because only when there is one penis and one vagina in the equation do you get the continuity of the human race.
But! sex is not the only way to be intimate. We have oral, anal, dildo and strap-on sex now. And other kinds too if you want to stretch the definition. Someone tell me why putting your face into the place your lover goes to the toilet from is less intimate than having sex... coz, no.. I'm sorry, it isn't. Then, there's the people who believe sex is a sin, and you must be married to do it... but it's ok to still get really intimate with someone. Anal sex is a good second best, right? God wont mind. He only minds if two men do it, because that's unnatural.

Wait. I lost the trail of logic on that one. But I think it's safe to say that PIV sex is given more emphasis because it makes babies, not because it's more intimate.
I'm also going to rule out modesty with this. If God doesn't care that you're having oral sex with every bloke on the block, obviously he doesn't care about your modesty. It isn't that God doesn't want anyone but your husband to see you naked because you're born naked, your parents bathe you for years, your doctor sees you naked, your gyno penetrates you with plastic objects and then, if that's not enough, half your tribe are going to look up your hoohoo when you bring forth the next generation.
What about the risks? Maybe sex is so important because of the risk of STI's and blood borne viruses? Hmm this is actually a good argument. God wants people to have only one partner so we don't spread diseases that will kill us off. Logic is strong in this one. However, you can get plenty of nasty things from anal and oral (even though most people don't realise that one) and from sharing toys. Is sex inherently more risky that oral and anal? Well, I'm not a doctor, but I'm going to say yes for the first and no for the second. So assuming God is cool with heterosexual anal sex, this rules out STIs as the reason PIV sex is so important.



Right so, following Miri's logic, sex is important because it makes babies.

Is your first car the most important car you'll ever own? Hmm, no. It's probably the most run-down, but that sports car you get in your late forties will probably take the cake. Is your first child more important that all your other children? If yes, why have other children? Was the first time you ate pancakes or had coffee more satisfying than all the other times? Was your first kiss somehow more special than kissing the love of your life, even though it was remarkably similar to being hit in the face with an over-ripe mango? How about something people do take seriously - your first love. Is your first love, even though you moved on from them and possibly hated them for a time, somehow more special than anyone else you'll love in your life? I remember my first love - he told me I loved him, and I believed him for 5 freaking years! That's not love, but I thought it was. Now I'm with Obi, I can see all the differences. I have something to compare it to. It's good for my sanity. So for me at least, second love trumps first love, hands down.

So, if firsts are not more important, are they more memorable? I'm going with "no". I remember both my firsts, and I remember three weeks or so later after making love to Obi the first time - there was this something special that I can't even name - this magical connection that went so deep. He felt it too, and whispered in my ear. It was one of the best nights of my life - but it wasn't a first. Does that cheapen it somehow?

What about the sin argument? Maybe sex is so important because it's wrong. I can't really remember why sex is wrong in some religions. The gist, if I remember is that you lose a piece of your soul to everyone you have sex with, and thus, if you have too much sex your soul is destroyed. I never saw that in the bible though, so there might be another reason. Whatever it is, if sex is a sin unless you're married, then you're going to wait quite a while, and there's going to be a lot of build up. Sex will theoretically happen on your wedding night, which is also damned important, so no wonder you're going to remember it!
In this case I guess losing your virginity is so important because you're finally allowed to. It'd be a big achievement to get that far.

But, a lot of girls will tell you their first time was more pain than pleasure, and a lot of boys say they were so nervous they came too soon and it was over before it began. Most firsts tend towards the "ok" rather than the "earth shattering". With that in mind...
Is it possible that virginity, and other firsts are only as important as they are because society tells us that they are? Is it just our culture that teaches us this?

There are other cultures that do it different ways - such as the woman is shamed if she is a virgin on her wedding night (Wish I could remember what part of the world that is from.) And, I've been told that in certain Aussie Aboriginal tribes a young man or woman is first given to the oldest man or woman in their tribe, before they are allowed to sleep with their SO. Virginity isn't valued the same by everyone.

Personally I'm thinking that firsts are valued as markers. Like little tabs in the book of our lives that mark where new chapters begin. Our rites of passage. 10 years old, double digits and the age of reason -> 16 years old, sweet 16, the age of sexual consent and being able to buy knives -> 18, drinking and voting. Woo! Finally an adult -> Having sex, a new outlook/perspective. New knowledge/maturity -> First child. Big changes in home, finances, and your body.
Our rites of passage are important because they mark something that was big, unknown, scary and a sign of achievement and progression. They are important because they are how we keep track of our lives.

So, sex is important because it makes babies. Firsts are important because they mark the chapters of our lives.
Firsts are not more important simply because they are firsts - The first page of a chapter is not usually more interesting that the middle page. Here lies the conclusion of my argument.

Something else on my mind that's kind of relevant:
I get that it's hard not to be jealous. Sometimes I feel a tinsy bit like I'm getting used goods with Obi because he's had more partners than I'd have liked (and really, it's not that many at all, I'm just a prude who's against casual sex). Some greedy part of me wishes that he'd only ever been mine. I never felt this way about the pedophile, and I think it has to do with the fact I was in love with Obi back when he was a virgin. Every partner he's had was a slap in the face to me. My punishment for being born in the wrong country. But the sensible part of my brain can see all the good that came of that. He never wonders what it's like to sleep with other people - he's had other people and knows I've got the best there is. He doesn't feel like he missed out on some part of growing up. He learnt a lot of neat things that bring me a lot of pleasure, but he's still innocent enough that I can teach him a thing or two as well. It's good. And I know that when I'm with him, I'm not thinking of the pedophile. It's as though Obi is everything I've ever had. Most days I can't remember a time before loving Obi. So I figure it works the same for him too. then there's the fact that while I think he loved the girl he lost his virginity too, I never felt she loved him back. I always felt she was playing games with him and using him. And he still loved me while he dated her. None of them truly had a chance with his heart. He tells me that I was right - that sex is different and so much better with someone you love than with someone you don't love. He said some of his experiences were not even intimate, even though it was sexual, because there was no feeling, only curiosity or at the best, friendship.

I'm sharing this for those people who struggle with their partner's exes.

I think I'm done now.
Thank you for your time.