*Sighs* Having some major problems with the depression today, and a slew of self-esteem issues. I had all these terrible dreams last night... they kept waking me up, and every time they did I just felt worse about myself. I feel really fat. And, I know I'm not. Ok, I have that comfortable relationship pudge that I haven't been working hard to get rid of, but if I'm over 50kgs I'd be very surprised. I know this is just the depression talking to me. When I was at work yesterday I was freaking hungry, and I could feel it... belly was growling, the works and I thought "That's good. That means you're losing weight". WOAH Miriam, no. We're not going down that road again. We do not starve ourselves for the fun of it. We do not find pleasure in things like this. No. So, i took my break, and I made sure to eat.

I've been down the eating disorder track before. I've never sunken far enough to be anorexic physically thankfully, but I came close enough that I'm still dealing with the physical repercussions of being underweight and malnourished in my teens. Stupid. And sometimes my mind forgets how far we've come and just falls back into that place where pain is our true friend and weight loss is a measurement of happiness.

I do feel very bad in my own skin right now though, and I will have to responsibly do something about it. Yesterday it got to me so badly I wouldn't even shower with Obi... and it's not like me to be embarrassed when I'm naked.

I know too that I'm going "down for maintenance" in a little under a week and that once again I wont be pregnant because I'm responsible. I know that pre-maintenance blues are surely to blame for my wanting to cry constantly. I know that my life is good and that only a few days ago I was SO DAMN HAPPY and I just want to get that back.

It's strange to feel worthless, lonely, unloved and about to cry when the detached part of your mind knows that's not really you, that the insults were small and forgettable. I have exactly what I want right now. I have a home, food, love, family and plenty of time to novel.

Maybe that bitch was right. Maybe I do need to go back into therapy. Maybe I am nothing but a burden on Obi. Maybe.