Fair warning, right?
Ok, so... I'm on my rag and that makes me think that the whole world is about to come to an end. At least, right at this very moment, I don't feel like crying. Woo. But I know it'll be back. Half the reason I'm writing is to keep my hands off my cell phone. Must. Not. Spam. Boyfriend. With. Texts.
You know what would make this better? Tea *starts kettle*
I think I've sent like 5 so far today. That's more than necessary. Waaay more. *puts sugar and bag in* I can at least have the decency to wait until he's on the bus coming home. But I just don't want to be so lonely right now. I want cuddles and loves. We had a bit of a spat last night *gets tea* and that left me feeling kinda vulnerable today. See, I'd gently been probing to see what my chances of getting lucky were (I knew I didn't really have a hope in hell honestly, but you can't blame a girl for trying, right?) and he goes to me "It's tonight or wait a week, is that it?" - basically saying I was only perusing him because if I didn't I'd have to wait. I knew he was joking, but it was still a slap in the face. I'm not like that, for starters, and besides that I'm not the one who's scared of getting dirty. I'll put down a towel, I don't give a crap. I tried to let it go, laughed it off. Went to bed, let him fall asleep on me... And I just laid there... too much energy still I guess. But as I laid there the resentment just kept building, so I thought I better go and do something. So I did some more dishes (there's always dishes, isn't there?), but it just kept building. I knew I'd never get anywhere unless I resolved it.
So, being me, I went back to bed and woke him up. I told him I thought he was mean, especially under the circumstances. (Which is, he knows my past and the huge issues I have with rejection. He knows I'm having esteem issues at the moment and also knows that his disinterest is really bringing me down. I don't need him cracking jokes at me as well.) He was sorry of course. And he held me and rubbed my back and made a giant effort to not fall asleep again until I was stable. Because he's beautiful and kind and patient and all the things that I'm not. Anywhoo, so we talked a bit, but it's not something we can actually solve, and so we went to sleep no better off really.
And promptly slept in.
He left in a rush, having woken up half an hour after he was supposed to be on the bus, and it was just... I don't know. He still made time to hug me and tell me he loved me before he ran out the door... but I was just flat this morning. Probably hormones. I was in a bit of pain by then. And I worked today, which was great! but that gave me too much alone time to brood which never helps. I get a lot of bad thoughts that bother me, and some days I just wallow in them rather than shaking them off, even though I know that's unhealthy. I was bouncing between the need for cuddles and how much I love him and wanted nothing more than to be with him, and anger/humiliation/frustration.
Now I just want him to come home and hold me, and we can watch House and snuggle. And maybe he'll whisper all those sweet nothings I need to hear him say right now.... Like "I love you enough that I'm willing to play WoW with you."
Hahaha. Kidding. Well, almost. That isn't what I need to hear, but it'd make me happy. I've played his game (D&D) for him, I don't see why he can't try mine simply because he "Doesn't like the graphics". Pisses me off just a tiny bit. There's not much I wont do for this guy, and very very occasionally I think he could put in more effort. (No, we're not still talking about a game) I can think of quite a few things I do simply for him and I manage to enjoy them because I know that he benefits and not for any other reason. So yeah... I don't know.
I just want cuddles. I know I have to go and write now. And I need to cook dinner and make his lunch for tomorrow because he asked me so nicely. But... oh.. there it is. Urge to cry hath returned.
I miss him. I wish he'd come home early... or at least on time. And I wish he'd be nice and show me he cares, maybe even that I'm desirable? And I wish that wouldn't require a large amount of effort on my part, or any prompting. I miss when he wasn't working and he used to give a damn... He was all over me like a rash, now he's just too tired to give a crap. He knows it too. He apologizes for neglecting me occasionally, which is sweet, and he thanks me for everything I do (The fact he notices make my day)... but when I was growing up Ma taught us "Sorry means you wont do it again." Well, I know now that technically she was incorrect, but I can't help but think of it like that. It's hard to accept an apology as nothing more than an admission rather than a statement proceeding change.I want fun. And colour. Something distracting that I can hide inside. And warmth. And Obi. I just want Obi to come home
I just wanted to give you big huggs! I've spent about a year feeling exactly how you've described here...
"I get a lot of bad thoughts that bother me, and some days I just wallow in them rather than shaking them off, even though I know that's unhealthy. I was bouncing between the need for cuddles and how much I love him and wanted nothing more than to be with him, and anger/humiliation/frustration."
"I miss when he wasn't working and he used to give a damn... He was all over me like a rash, now he's just too tired to give a crap. He knows it too. He apologizes for neglecting me occasionally, which is sweet, and he thanks me for everything I do (The fact he notices make my day)"
"I want fun. And colour. Something distracting that I can hide inside. And warmth. And Obi. I just want Obi to come home"
My SO was juggling between a new job that was very much energy&time consuming and his studies; and i was doing the same with the more pressure being from my studies than my job... for about 9 months i felt like we were automated zombies... the tiny little things we did manage to do like preparing sandwiches in the morning together, or taking the time to shower together were so good, but not enough... even though he held me at night there were long moments where i felt so alone... under high stress my SO has the tendency of becoming completely unemotional, while i tend to need more reassurance, so that wasn't easy either..
one thing that really helped us get through these moments was to make ourselves reminders of little things we did for each other, and things we loved...
i also tried to keep positive by carefully choosing the music i'd listen to. i listen to music a lot when working, and choosing tracks that put me in a good mood and made me cheerful really helped a lot more than i imagined it would.. we made each other fun playlists too from time to time..
also, don't underestimate the importance of being healthy... there are time where you need to work so many hours, and have so many things that need to be done, but it is very important to try and find a way to regenerate, and recharge your resources; both emotionally and physically... when you feel less tired you are more likely to take initiative and make better use of your time. if each of you finds something that helps with dealing with tiredness and stress, even if its something as silly as tap dancing 10 minutes on your bathroom tiles, you'll feel that much more inclined to connect better...
for me for example, braiding bracelets relaxes me a lot (but takes a bit of time); and a long hot shower does that too. for my SO it is discovering new knots with paracord...
i hope you're feeling better Zephii... cheer up, it won't always be this hard ((hugs))