Sometimes when I'm bored at work, I'll knock on the doors and call "house faeries!". I know there's no one in these rooms anyway. But that is not what this blog is about.

I learnt something today too. My supervisor is always saying to me "Try to do these rooms faster today," or similar. I know I'm not the fastest girl on the floor, but I'm not the slowest either. Some days it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And all this time, it was just the language barrier. She said to me today, while looking at my sheet, "Try to doing these rooms faster today Miriam. But why I tell you this? You good girl, you're always working faster."
I get it. She's not telling me to hurry up, she just doesn't realise there's a difference between the words "faster" and "quickly". So that made me feel better.

Anyway, today was one of those days. You know the ones where you're achey and tired before you even start your shift? Erk. But, I'm off tomorrow and I'm greatful for that. I ate my apple again at work today - Good Miriam. I also ate the chocolate crossant. - Not so good Miriam lol. Obi has been doing a pretty decent job of nagging me about this health kick too. I don't like fruit. Seriously, if I never ate another apple again in my life it'd probably be too soon. But my theory is that eventually, if I eat enough of them, they'll grow on me. Not literally of course, that'd just be weird.

That's not what this blog is about though.

When I was walking home I had this crushing wave of grief. I managed not to cry on the highway though I think I've accepted that I will grieve for my Ma, and to a lesser extent my pop, for the rest of my life. We lost Nan (Ma's mum) nearly ten years before we lost Ma. The night mum died, she said to me "I want my Mummy". I guess that could almost be funny, this 50 year old woman wanting her mum, but it was crushing to say the least. I leart a lot from that.
I was thinking about getting married, and how much I wish Ma could be there just for that one day.
... When we found out she had cancer the second time, and they told us there was no hope, I was hell bent on getting married right then to make sure she was there. I was still with the pedophile though. Obi remembers me talking about how he threatened to ask me to marry him (he'd usually talk about it right before our birthdays.) and how Obi was always so relieved when it never came to pass. "P" always told me I needed to be the one to ask though, to prove to everyone that I was with him willingly, that we were a normal healthy couple, that he wasn't controlling me blah blah. He pushed me hard to do it a few times, and threatened just before I left him that his mother had given him her ring to ask me with, and that if I didn't ask him soon, he'd ask me and I'd have to say yes. Ugh. So so glad I didn't.

I came to the conclusion that I'd rather Ma not be there when I married the right man rather than being there to witness me marrying the wrong one. It was a big thought for me today.

And is also not what I'd intended to blog about.

Getting to the point... I have this friend. She's being hit by the breaking up wave that's crashed into so many people lately. She's been with him 4 years. He really loves her. But he resents her so much, and today he finally had the balls to tell her that he thinks perhaps they should have a break - including her moving out - so that he can "stop enabling her" *wince*
She will not work, but she pretends to look for work. He makes it clear he doesn't like to support her and that she's holding him back in many ways. She is desperate to get married and start a family, but wont help him at all. She quits every job she gets, she wont clean their house, doesn't cook and when she does it tends to be of the very unhealthy what the hell are you thinking variety. She plays games all day long. She wont leave the house, even to come and visit me when she's complaining that she's lonely.
To me, as someone outside the relationship, it seems so easy to fix. As a modern burn-your-bra woman, I can't even fathom how she's used him for this long. That would destroy my self worth honestly.

But, she's one of my closest mates. I wanted to talk to her about this issue before it got this far, but didn't know how to approach it in a way where she'd listen to me and take my advice. Now we're both scared that it's too late to repair the damage. I hate to see her so sad, but at the same time it's almost entirely her fault. You can't expect your SO to act as a parental figure for you. Relationships take work. They need to be equal. You need to be able to give more than you expect to recieve.

I know she's depressed. I know she struggles with being away from her family just like I do (she moved for him). But I also know that we are all incharge of our own lives. We all need to be the change we want to see in the world. If you don't like your life, ask yourself why and then for God's sake make a plan to fix it. If there's someone in your life that means the world to you treat them like they mean the world to you. Seriously. Figure out what is important and what isn't. Realise that life is going to take a shitload of effort. Know that the only person who can make your life better is YOU.

I'm not one of those people that think breaking up is a bad thing. Some people don't belong together. Love is not all it takes. There doesn't have to be a good person and a bad person for a relationship to fail. Two wonderful people wont necessarily be wonderful for each other. But at the same time, I do hate to see loving relationships thrown away because people are afraid of hard work. I don't understand that at all.

I have another friend, he's back home. His SO is moving to another state to do Uni, so they are breaking up. They have done LD before (though not as far) but she says breaking up will help her grow. He's her first bf, she wants to see what other men are like. But she says she loves him. I can't understand this. Sometimes I wonder if I experience love differently from the people around me. He's heartbroken though. They will stay together til the day she leaves. I don't understand that either. I get the "living in the moment" thing. But, she's leaving. In my mind it's already over. Why prolong the mysery?

I don't have a moral to this story. I'm just thinking aloud that's all.
I'll be back soon, no doubt.
Sorry if I've been a glum bum today.
Carrots xx