Gods, can I get a sideserve of depression with my stress today? Thanks.

I am reaching breaking point. I know this. I see the signs. My hair is still coming out in clumps, who knew I had so much to lose? I'm getting random spots and rashes that come and go with the shifts in my day. I think about the blades way too much, but I'm still strong on that front. It's an anoying thought/flashback, nothing more. But worst of all, the memory slips have started again. I'll do something, and then it -blips- out of my mind. It's like it never happened. I'm loseing random chunks of ten minutes from my day, sometimes as much as an hour, or someone will speak to me and it'll -blip- and I know I need to respond but there's nothing there... what were we talking about?

Sometimes that's almost funny. Like the other day I blipped the memory of picking up my phone before work... and I checked my pocket and didn't feel it (I was sitting in the car - I think perhaps it was under my seatbelt) so Obi lent me his... and so I ended up with both...

But I know it's a bad sign. I'm trying not to let it interfere with work. But, work cut the rest of my shifts this week, so I don't have to worry about that, I get to worry about making rent somehow instead. Whatever. If I get three shifts next week I might scrape by. And that's fine.

There's this mountain of paperwork. We're gathering stuff for the visa (what a nightmare), but our celebrant isn't getting back to us, and we need a statement from her and a NOIM. And oh goody, she'll want money. The reception venue wants money, I budgeted that, that's fine, but the document she sent me is broken, and my credit card is locked, so Obi has to take care of that and he's all busy working, and isn't as on the ball as he needs to be for this. Then there's stat decs and I need to write out our story. I need to find any plane tickets I've kept... and a bunch of other stuff. We have a handy list. We need to get our ID copied and certified, but Obi's waiting on his birth certificate in the mail. Bec couldn't find a JP yesterday, but she's got the stat dec written and will have it on its way soon. My Aunt and my shrink are writing them too. But it's all so slow. And the timing is bad. And ugh.

Then there's house stuff. I'm hitting so many road blocks with that and so is Bec. Some nights the stress seems unbearbale I just want to run away. Someone I was really counting on for a statement (the nextdoor neighbour who's been there forever and complained endlessly about Ma's bf) let me down today saying she wants no part in it... and a bunch of other stuff that was a bit offensive really, like how he might deserve the house... *sigh* And then I called my Aunt, and that was deflateing... Like, I don't know... I feel like she's holding a grudge that I've been gone so long and I'm not in as much contact as I could be. I can't call and she wont get skype.. that just leaves email. We're coming home for three years... What more do you want? People just don't get the international thing. I'm doing my best damnit. It was the first call we've had, haven't actually spoken for over a year and I couldnt even get her to tell me how she and her husband are doing... It was all one sided and I didn't want that.

Obi's dad has been great, really supportive, didn't see that coming.

That leads me to more stress, the wedding stuff. Obi's sister is still having a whinge. And I'm like... why is this all about you? She wants us to wait three and a half years if we're going to get hitched in Oz. Yeah, no. Or chage it to Canada. Yeah, uh-huh, if she's paying to fly my familiy over here, sure. I'd be sympathetic if she wasn't being such a cow about it but she isn't trying to be reasonable at all, she's just woe-is-me. I don't have the patience right now.

One of my best mates is sleeping on my floor. Her and her SO are on a break, or something. Hard to tell. She knows what went wrong, but wont fix it because that would require getting a job. I love her, but God helps those who help themselves. It's hard having someone always in my home I feel like I can't relax at all. It's hard to hold everything together. I'm doing my best to be a good friend but right now it's too much just to look after myself. I'm streched too thin.

My house is a bomb.

Obi has been a godsend.

I'm numb. I think it's nap time.

At least I'm not crying now.