I know I've not been the most active of late, but I'm still here.

I have to go start my daily legal grind... I must be nearly there, surely? But I don't want to. I feel like I'm in school again doing the major assesment project for the year.

The little black claws of depression are scraping at me again, trying to get a grip. It's hard to make myself care about anything. My house is absolutly a bomb. I told Obi I'm going to need a lot of help to get through this, and he's trying, but maybe there just aren't enough hours in the day. I don't know. He was off yesterday and I worked, and he had a lot to do, I get that. He wanted to contact friend one who's going through a relationship rocky patch, call friend two and organise a time to get groceries (or just go and get them if he was free) - both of which I asked him not to do til I got off work. Now, I don't know when my shift finishes - it's done when it's done - but lately that's been 3pm, never later than 4:30. It's not too hard not to do something that can't be paused to keep that small section of time free is it?

Obviously it is, because I sent him a text warning him I need him at 3, and he tells me he's out of town visiting friend one. Great. So, if the snow and ice all over the ground and the perpetual rain are not enough of a deterant for me to walk home - I also realise I don't have keys. So I can walk home in the rain and sit on the steps -in the rain- and wait for him to get home? Yeah, no. Tell me exactly why it is I pay half the car insurance? Oh right. So two days a week I don't have to walk in the miserable rain when I'm dead tired.
But I know friend one needs a mate right now, so I do the good thing and wait at work for an hour and a half until Obi finishes the conversation, drives back to town and comes to get me. It wasn't too bad really, I'm patient.

But then we get home for me to find out that NOTHING has been done. It's sunday. We're only allowed access to the laundry one day a week, and he didn't get it all done last week either because "he forgot". How can you forget? We've been in this same routine for nearly a year! Of course, before all this court stuff started, I babied him a bit and there were a few weeks there where he'd been working massive overtime and I told him "I'll do it when I get off work, you have fun." But that was a one day pass.

So he gets it started. Then when he starts the second load he realises the first load was done with the water level set to minimum, for a very full load, and he needs to wash them again. So, with that and the addition of extra laundry from having my friend-in-distress sleeping on our floor for half the week, I now have dirty laundry that's going to lay around cluttering this tiny burrow for another week.

And don't get me started on the dishes. Actually, do. They need to get done. But, somehow they didn't. He's supposed to cook on sunday - It's my hardest day at work, so it's the one day I let myself do nothing at the end of it. Of couse, it's pretty hard to prepare food when you can no longer see your kitchen... He was stuffing around, so I ended up doing dinner without help. Then he's dropping hints about how he'd like me to get the dishes done.

I'll do them today. But gah!! He keeps going on about how he wants to help me, he can see that I've reached my limit for how much stress I can handle, but actually DO something to make my life easier? Haha, no.

The one thing I did ask him to do was print and fill out the form so we can pay the deposit for our wedding reception venue. I gave him the money for this THREE WEEKS ago. And the only reason I can't pay it myself is because my bank locked my CC. I wouldn't be relying on him for it if I didn't have to.... even though he did say he wants to help a bit more with the wedding stuff because there's a lot to do on that right now. So, he managed to get it printed. Yay. Now fill it out so I can post it! For godsake... these people are doing us a big favour, saving us a couple thousand dollars. Stuffing them around is stupid! So frusterating. I feel like I've lost my independence.

Then there's the visa stuff. I will write something coherant on this process that will be useful to others at some point. But not now. So, he realises that his passport is going to expire while we're in Oz next year and that he needs to renew it. Great, more delay. He also needs to get passport photos for it, get his friends and family to sign photos. The other things at least he's started on, like he's contacted the police about his background check and contacted immigration to tell him where the nearset docotr is that can do the check. (Australia has approved doctors here. You can't just see any doctor.) So he's on the ball with it mostly I guess.
I've got stat dec's coming in from four different people (minimum is two) to prove the relationship. I've written out our history - all 6000 words of it. I have payslips to prove my income. We have a lease and our landlord is happy to write a letter for us too. We still need to get a bank statement or two.

The biggest thing by far though is this shit with the house. And you know what infuriates me? Obi's not at all worried about it. I told him he can atleast pretend to worry for my sake... and I know he cares, because he cares about me, but he acts quite abit like he doesn't. This affects his future too. *Sigh* Shit like "It's ok" and "don't worry" do the opposite of help. I've told him this. But he's all laid back without a care - just like with the visa stuff - I kept saying "read the information, understand the process, find out what you need to do" But what do I know? Now he's all "I wish I'd listened and started earlier" yeah mate, me too.

Yesterday morning I finally lost my trop with that friend who's having relationship problems. She's gone home to the next state over to spend time with her family while they are on their "break". But she comes to me to complain about the converstaion she'd had with her bf the night before, and I snapped a bit. I can't handle this "me me me" stuff. I know, it sounds like I'm like that too right? Because this blog is all about me but in my daily life I tell people how I am when they ask and I make an effort not to whinge - especially if my problem was due to something I did wrong. But, she keeps coming to me complaining about the same thing - he doesn't know if he wants to put up with her shit anymore. Before she left, he told her he loved her and had sex with her, and for some reason she thought that meant everything would go back to normal. And now that he's still thinking about if he wants the relationship she's getting all impatient and feeling sorry for herself. Yeah, no, that's not how it works I'm sorry.

The moral of this, and my advice of the day, is that relationships can only succeed if both parties can maintain a level of selflessness.

I don't feel better for having ranted, but it's time to get shit done. Cheerio!