I've been working on my lil book of love project today. So far I'm happy. Anyway that's not what this is about. While doing this, I searched through my laptop to see if I had any poetry, letters, chat trascripts, anything good I could include, and I stumbled into my "letters never intended to be sent" folder.

Now, I only write a LNITBS if I'm really seriously upsett over something. I'm a talk it out person. These letters are stuff I can't yet talk about. They are almost all to Obi, from the roughest patches in our relationship. The times when I hit the bottom, I have these letters from. Times when he was treating me badly, scared to commit, flirting with people outside the relationship, critisizing everything I'd do for him, when I started cutting again and didn't know how to warn him before a visit, when he was visiting me and all I wanted was for him to go home because I couldn't take his shit anymore... all the low points, all there in black and white.

And we got past them all.

I feel kind of proud of that.

And now he's not afraid. He wants to marry me. He will sit down and plan a future rather than making excuses or saying he isn't ready. He tries much harder to be positive. He's regretful of the hurtful things he said to me on visits or that he didn't spend the time with me (Particularly in 09 when I surprise visited him for 20 days. Basically, it was a mistake. He chided me for wasting the money, and because he didn't have money to do stuff with me -even though I have always been willing to pay for us both that wasn't good enough - and near the end of the visit his dad actually stepped in and told him he should spend some time with me because soon I'd be gone.) We talk about having children and it's positive. We're "fluid bonded" (This was a huge issue between us for the longest time! But I don't want to freak you all out with TMI). He doesn't freak out at the potential of having a whoopsie baby (though, we're still careful!). I know what's in his bank, and I know his pin. I'm authorised on his phone account. He lets me in, in all ways. He's learning to hear me out if I say something un-positive about his family rather than flying off his handle. He wants citizenship to my country when for the last seven years he's told me "I will never leave Canada for you".

There was a time I was afraid of scaring him away. There was a time I couldn't tell him I loved him. There was a time when my biggest regret was breaking his heart because I thought he'd never give me a second chance. There was a time where I encoraged him to be intimate with other people, and I listened to the stories he bought home, and I wanted him so badly but wanting him to be happy over came that. There was a time I told him that I just wanted to have sex with him - but where I really believed if he made the trip to come and see me it would set me free from the prision my life had become. There was a time if his computer was on I couldn't resist snooping through it - and there was always something hurtful to find.

Lots of people tell me I'm an inspiration, that our story is an inspiration, but really we're just two kids that grew up and worked our shit out. Two people that discovered love doesn't just go away even if you really want it to.

But now? We're two young adults who submit visas, are planning a wedding, know that honesty and communication are the only way to move forward. We love each other openly. We do our best to hold each other up. We try to learn from each other.

I'm going to be in absolute awe when I look back in 25 years. I only pray that I don't fuck it all up!