It feels like 100 years ago that I quit work. I'm not itching to be employed again yet, not at all
I should at least attempt to write today though, can't just bludge. And I need to keep my mind off the lack of visa. Which I will take a moment to share my feelings about with you understanding people.The past few days things between Obi and I have shifted. Somehow it feels like a visit now. We're acting different. It's not bad, it's just we're both very aware I guess. We check the mail every day, and atleast one person will ask us if we've heard anything yet. I've cried a few times, late at night. I cling to him, and he holds me and tells me he will follow me where ever I go, that he loves me, and will marry me and keep me forever, that it's all going to be ok. He tells me that he was pissed off when his best mate said (in front of me!) that he hopes Obi doesn't get his visa in time and has to stay here a few extra months.
When we talk to others now, he no longer holds onto the pretense he's coming with me. I think he's accepted that he left it too late to apply. Yes we still hope, but we're not stupid. Subtly we're preparing ourselves and the people in our lives for this. He said he'll be devistated. I know that before when we were long distance there were times we were hard to live with. We were both hurting and frusterated and the people closest to us took the brunt of that.
I think it'll be easier on me than him. I'll have all the people I've missed for the past year and 8 months, while he's stuck in his parents house with them driving him batty. I'll be trying to get my life back up and running but all he'll be doing is waiting. But, I'll also be spending a lot of time renovating our house - and there's no internet down there. All we will have is texting. Expensive texting on my end.
I've thought a lot about it. I take comfort in one thing - this is better for Messiah, my cat. At least he wont feel totally abandoned right away. And that would mean a lot to me. I'd put up with a lot if I thought it was better for my little guy. I'm going to miss him like crazy. (We can't bring him back to Australia because the flight was so distressing for him last time, I can't make him do it again, and even if I was that heartless, Australia will put him in quarenteen for 3-6 months and I don't want to do that to him either.)
I can tell he's just as worried as I am. He bought me a rather expensive "just because" gift yesterday, and he hasn't done that since we were LD. Actually since before we were official. He's being different toward me. It's hard to describe, all I can say is it's very "like a visit". We're going out of our way to be nicer to each other, and to spend extra time together. I'm having panic attacks again, but I'm dealing with it. And then everything swings and i look forward to our time apart because I know it'll make everything else that much more intense.
Tomorrow is his birthday, I need to take a walk and pick up something small (he wont get his real gift til he joins me in Oz, but I want him to have something to unwrap on the day), I already have a card for him. And I need to get breakfast supplies (I'll get up super early and make it for him) and stuff to make a cake with. Tonight we're going to dinner with his cool Grandma. Tomorrow his parents are going camping for like four days. Which is awesome. We're going crazy stuck in our one tiny room, but we can't emerge because no one will leave us alone for even a little while, hell they don't leave us alone for any length of time in our room but at least there we are out of sight out of mind. A break will be good for all of us
His dad's been lovely with the whole visa thing though, he honestly hopes we'll get it in time. His mum has been putting lots of pressure on me trying to get me to agree that we'll return after a year, two at most, rather than the 3 - 5 we're planning. Everyone's worried he wont keep in contact enough and they are giving me instructions to interceed for them. Which,I'd do anyway, I did last time he was in Oz too. I'm trying to get them to understand what's involved in internationalness... all those feelings and stumbling blocks Obi never bothered to explain to them.
Oh! Cute story I ment to tell you the other day but forgot:
Before we met in person, I'd sent Obi a letter book and some photos. I tied the photos together with a piece of yellow ribbon. At that time he was recovering from his car accident and was on crutches. He'd tied the ribbong around one of them to remind himself of me... it made him happy. He was very embarrased back then, of the whole love-you-never-met thing and of.. well I don't know. He was worried about what people would think. I wasn't a secret, but he never wanted to talk about me either. So when people asked about the ribbon he'd say "it's for luck".
The other day his sister had a garage sale at our place and his parents added some things to that. Including the crutches. I saw the ribbon and remembered, smiling but I didn't say anything. He saw too... and promptly untied it. He's sister's like "what are you doing?". He answers "This ribbon is mine. I want to keep it. Miri gave it to me" and she actually remembered too
She mocked him a little, but he's not embarrased anymore.Now it's tied to the stearing wheel of his car.
I love him <3
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