We've been LD for two days. Just two. My face hurts so badly from crying myself to sleep. It's so hard to control myself, so hard not to berate him. "You did this to me. This is your fault. All those times you insulted me because I'm supposedly unorganised and I'm late by 5 or 10 minutes? Fuck you! At least when I said I was coming back with you to your country I did it. I got my visa and I got on the damn plane. I warned you and warned you, and you were too stupid to worry. And it hurts so bad and it's all your fault." I want to wake him in the middle of the night. I want to argue just so I can hear his voice. I want to stop fucking crying! Lordy
In the middle of the night, when I woke up to cry some more, all I could think was that maybe we should cut contact until he gets news on the visa. Then I don't have to have everything done by midday so I can see him. We're skype-sleeping, but our overlap is only two hours and I'm going to bed early to manage that. So much discomfort for him for so little return.
Every time I say something, I swear the response is "I'd like to but I need to go to sleep soon". I'm not sleeping, why the fuck should you be? What makes you so damn special?
He's very unhappy with how noisey this house is. (Bec's place where I'm living) We're on a busy street in the middle of Sydney, and my room is the one closest to the road. The planes fly low overhead, sometimes you can't hear yourself think. I like it. I've missed this. But he makes me feel terrible for it, when it's not something I can control. God if it's such a hassel don't talk to me at all!
But I guess that doesn't matter now. I'll try to get everything done, and talk to him at midday, and tuck him into bed, then when Bec and Chris get home we're off to our house in the country that we're renovating. There's no internet there. Hell, there's no beds either, no plumbing connected to the bathroom currently. All there is in that house is hard work and bad memories. We're there til some time on Monday (It's Friday today.) I'm supposed to meet up with friends when we go there, but all I want to do is withdraw into myself and hide.
I know I need to pull myself together, I know that it must get easier again. I know that he's suffering too.
Really!