It's been a long week people. Obi and I have barely spoken, and when we did it was brief and involved bickering. He has had no time since he got approved for the visa. I think this is mostly because when he DID have time and plenty of it, he didn't get off his arse and get stuff done because he still thought he had more time and it turned out he did not.
So, neither of us have had the time to enjoy the fact he'll be here soon, or even have the opportunity to get excited about it. It's a bit lame really.

But, I only have to get through today and tomorrow. After that he's here. And we'll be having sex. This is where this blog gets way TMI, you might like to tune out now.

Of course, I'm scared shitless. I have another ultrasound today. I have not been in that much pain with my gearbox lately - but then I haven't used it either. I hope that my cycsts are clearing up on their own now I'm off the pill. I guess I'll find out in a few days. I don't actually see my gyno again until the 23rd - but I'll open the ultrasound and read the report as soon as I get it.

All women in my family (no joke) have had problems with their gearboxes, and many are problems that end with no children. My own mum was on a shit-tonne of fertility drugs and what have you to get us girls. Many others have had histerectemies (sp) in their 20s. But, I've always been the lucky one. No reason for that to change now, right?

But, I'm scared that my Doc for today is a man. Which is irrational and stupid, which is why I took the appointment anyway (it includes an internal ultrasound). I know Obi's pretty unhappy with that, and that's also irrational.
But more than that I'm scared of the pain. I just want to enjoy sex again. I don't even remember what it was like before the pain but I remember it was great.

I also know there's a very real risk of falling pregnant. My gyno has given me the go-ahead to do that. Apparently cycsts can be operated on even if you're spawning, and the endometriosis she suspects I have can heal itself from the hormones released in pregnancy. So the risk to me is minimal. She also tells me it might take a while to become pregnant, because my systems are damaged. But, on the other hand, math tells me I'll be in my fertile window the day Obi lands.

It's hard to make a concious decision to spawn really. We're just so programmed to avoid it! But, we want this, and we have the money to support the child. We have a solid plan. Right this second he doesn't have a job nor do we have our own place - but we have zero choice but to have both those things before the wedding. And of course, we have back up plans. I wouldn't be a Miriam if we didn't.

Sometimes I listen too much to the people around me doubting me. I know that's part of my fear. I also think it's smart to be a little uneasy. If I were just jumping into this unconcerned it would probably mean I'm still too young to be doing it. I'm well aware of what I'm getting into. And I'm happy. We both are
But, the thing I need to get into most right now is the shower! So I better go